Prancehall

I was walking down the street the other day when I had an epiphany. I turned to my reflection in a nearby shop window and said, “Hey, you know what? There’s more to the world than just UrBaN Mu$iC in that Do It! column.” In celebration of this sign from heaven, I am now going to be using this precious space in Vice to also write about lots of other interesting things, like animals, people and popular culture, with some side-splittingly hilarious anecdotes thrown in for good measure. It’s funny I should mention animals just then because that is exactly what this month’s column is all about. Take it away, me. OK, here me go. I often think the world would be a better place without humans. Say, if we were all cats. I mean, what’s not to like about cats? They are cunning, they can scale walls, they can catch mice, they can quite contentedly clean their bum with their tongue and they bury their own shit. Who wouldn’t want all of those skills? I sometimes try to imagine a life where I get to dine on Sheba every day, spend 12 hours day staring out of the window at a skip while sat on a freshly plumped pillow, before rolling around in a litter tray for a bit of fun. You may say I’m a dreamer. But I’m not the only one. Seriously though, I do have a point. Animals are great. They are like little funny-looking stupid people that can’t talk but who often do smart and sometimes incredible things. They also don’t let stuff bother them, they’re loyal, they don’t talk shit, they’re good listeners, they’re not judgemental and they lead pretty relaxed lives. My cat sometimes breaks wind, but hey, nobody’s perfect. I think if we all took example from our favorite animals, life in general would be way more fun. To prove how delightful they are, here is a selection of some amazing and inspiring animals who have appeared throughout history.

KOKO

This five-foot-tall, 280-pound female lowland gorilla, born in the early 70s, was taught by the scientists at Stanford University, San Francisco to communicate using 1,000 American sign language hand gestures. She also understands around 2,000 words of spoken English. If that wasn’t smart enough, she invented new signs to communicate original thought, such as referring to a ring using the signs for finger and bracelet. Rumours that she held up a picture of Wayne Rooney when wanting to mention gorillas are yet to be substantiated, though. Much more interestingly, Koko also has a penchant for boobs. In 2005, two former female handlers brought a sexual harassment lawsuit against the gorilla claiming they were encouraged to show their breasts to Koko to satisfy her nipple fetish.

INCITATUS

It is widely speculated that infamous Roman Emperor Gaius Caesar Augustus Germanicus (aka Caligula) made his favourite horse, Incitatus, a senator. Despite objections from the Senate, they were forced to allow the horse into the Senatorial Order for fear of execution if they objected. Incitatus, who Caligula labelled “a combination of all the gods”, was also waited on hand and hoof by 18 servants who fed the animal oats mixed with gold flake. Dignitaries would come to dine with the omnipotent horse in his marble stable as he reclined on his cosy purple blankets. Incitatus also got married to a lucky young mare called Penelope.

HERCULES

Hercules was a Scottish wrestling bear, born in 1975, who later became known all across the world. He cut his skin-shredding fangs on the UK wrestling circuit alongside his owner Andy Robin in the late 70s before eventually making it onto TV. He regularly grappled against the likes of Giant Haystacks in front of 15 million people on ITV’s

World of Sport

.

His career highlights included wrestling Roger Moore in

Octopussy

(unfortunately Moore was not harmed in any way during filming), caddying for comedian Bob Hope at Gleneagles, and being bestowed with the title of Personality of the Year by the Scottish Tourist Board.

SCHRÖDINGER’S CAT

This isn’t a real cat. It’s merely a hypothetical animal inside a box used in a thought experiment to illustrate the principle in quantum theory of superposition. In theory, the cat is simultaneously alive and dead until we open the box, which sounds ridiculous, and is, but I like the fact that science needs to use animals to explain stuff. I did three years of chemistry at university and the only time my ears perked up was when they started talking about the cat. The rest of the time it was just weird, nervous 40-year-old guys with acne badly explaining stuff that no one should ever spend that much time giving a shit about. Fuck Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle, they need to tell people about Heisenberg’s hamster.

WHEELY WILLY

Willy is a paraplegic Chihuahua from Long Beach, California, which incidentally is the hometown of another famous dog, Snoop Dogg. Willy was cruelly left to die in a cardboard box with severe spinal injuries and a slashed throat, before luckily being taken in by a veterinary hospital and later adopted by pet groomer Deborah Turner. After being hooked up with a specially designed wheelchair to support his lame back legs, he was soon trotting around the block like Snoop Dogg’s wheelchair-bound character in

Training Day

. Within a short while, local TV stations picked up on Wheely Willy’s triumph-over-adversity tale and he quickly became a local celebrity.

Willy is now a well-known figure across the globe and has crowds of screaming fans waiting to catch a glimpse of him at the airport when he flies to Japan. He is also the subject of two bestselling children’s books and has participated in events like the Los Angeles Marathon for charity. He ith a vewy spethial animal indeed.

BLONDI

This female Alsatian was the loyal companion of Adolf Hitler. Blondi could apparently climb ladders and do other tricks, which is pretty cool. But what is most special about Blondi is the fact that despite her owner wanting to exterminate most of the world, he still had a lot of fondness for her. Just try to picture Satan’s less popular cousin tickling Blondi’s tummy and playing fetch with the bones of small children. The dog slept at the foot of Hitler’s bed every night and was even given a bomb-proof kennel. Many say Blondi was the single closest living friend Hitler had. Quite fittingly, I think, Hitler ordered his physician Dr. Stumpfegger to murder Blondi using a cyanide capsule on April 30, 1945, as the Soviet army closed in on his bunker in Berlin.

Honourable mentions: Badger the badger from Bodger and Badger who loved mashed potato; Dolly the sheep who was the first animal to be cloned from an adult cell; Eeyore the donkey from Winnie the Pooh who could read, spell and write poetry; Laika the Russian dog who was the first animal in space.