There's been no area more affected by religion and religious ideas throughout history than that of the genitals. Not only are the men of God obsessed with secular privates, they've historically also been extremely interested in the protection of their own. For example, this “extremely rare anti-masturbation device” that was offered for sale on eBay back in 2008. The copper harness dates to around 1880 France—which really isn't that long ago, is it?—and supposedly was to be worn by Catholic boys so they couldn't “commit the sin.” Attach it to your belt, stick your junk in, and no more things feeling kinda funny when you rub that area.
So just keep that idea in mind next time you're getting ready to flog the bishop or tweak the queen: Think of the self-satisfaction sesh as your own little personal protest against established religion trying to keep your genitals behind bars (if not literal ones like this device, than at least metaphorical ones). And then get on with it. Nothing's better than revenge sex, especially if it's with yourself.
Onto the roundup!
- Jack Schaap, former pastor of an Indiana megachurch, admitted to adultery and some creepy-sounding “improper behavior” with a teenage gal. The FBI's looking into the specifics of what “teenage” means right now. Oh, and just for the hell of it, here's Schaap acting like a goddamn fool.
- In Afghanistan, a whole bunch of nonsense went down this week: A NATO soldier was killed by two gunmen dressed in Afghan uniforms, nine civilians were killed when a remote-detonated bomb went off on a bus, a suicide bomber killed a U.S. aid worker and three U.S. soldiers, and a police officer expected to have ties to extremists opened fire at a checkpoint and killed ten of his colleagues.
- Two gunman sprayed the Deeper Life evangelical church in Nigeria full of bullets, leaving at least 19 dead. Most are, once again, pointing the blame in the direction of radical Islamist sect Boko Harem.
- A six- and seven-year-old were found to be the culprits behind the desecration of a Virginia church—including smearing food, poo-poo, and pee-pee over the church's walls—that resulted in thousands of dollars worth of damage. No charges were filed, most likely because little boys get a pass (or several thousand) after so much damage the church has caused to them.
- Another person pulled the ol' self-immolation to protest China's occupation of Tibet. He survived.
- That Islamist fundamentalist group we've been tracking every so often that's taken control of northern Mali? Well, they're not going to just stop there. Their plan's to reunite their land with the nation's south and make the whole thing one big happy (kidding: mostly sad) Islamist state, with Sharia Law and everything. And if they do, well, they'd just love to bring back some classic punishments, such as cutting off the hands of thieves, which they're already implementing.
- If a company advocates the gays gettin' married, well, then you got to get off the couch and have yourself a good ol' protest against that company. And what's the best kind of protest? Trick question. We all know burning their product in front of their business headquarters is the answer. Give some flame to the flamer-lovers! But, whoa. Maybe not that much flame. Shit. Quick. Get in the car.
- Republican Representative Larry Pittman from North Carolina called Planned Parenthood a “murder for hire” organization that needs to be outlawed. If you think that kind of incendiary comment—from an elected official, no less—isn't harmful, just imagine that crazy Christian with a gun license sitting in his one-bedroom apartment, just looking for someone to give him an excuse.
- In Grand Rapids, Michigan, several folks decided to protest the first annual Gay Day in the city. Oh, and by “protest” I mean “carrying Bibles and threatening to rape and murder all of those who support gay rights.”
- A protest in India against the persecution of Muslims in the area got a bit extreme, resulting in two deaths and a whole bunch of injuries.
- In Nigeria, the pastor of a church that goes by the name of Christ Rimites Church allegedly killed his 60-year-old father and 52-year-old uncle because, according to him, they “were wizards” and wanted “to use occultist means to kill him.”
- Former Anglican priest and Boy Scout leader Ralph Rowe pled guilty to another seven counts of sex-related crimes that took place in a variety of Canadian camps between 1973 and 1986. This is on top of already being convicted of 50 sex crimes against minors. He's the Canadian Jerry Sandusky, in other words, but with a nice priest background to boot.
- When looking for a babysitter on Criaglist, it's definitely a smart thing to do a little background search of your own on the person who'll be looking after your young one. Could be, like this example from Alabama, that the babysitter's a former pastor who's been indicted for banging a 14-year-old girl.
- Speaking of pastors gone bad, down in Florida one of them tried to commit suicide by stuffing a bunch of white pills down his throat immediately after a jury found him guilty of a bunch of kiddie-diddling. It didn't work.
- A three-year-old girl in Malaysia died in what is most likely another one of those exorcisms-gone-bad rituals. This one involved chanting, a blanket, a dark room, and eight grown adults piling on top of her.
- Tunisia, a country that is 99% Muslim, is trying their darndest to pass laws that would send blasphemers to prison and officially announce that women are “complementary” to men.
- And our Person of the Week: Reddit user RegBarc, who posted the letter he received from his father five years ago that disowned him as a son after he came out to him as gay. The main reason he couldn't support him? “God didn't intend for this unnatural lifestyle.” Took a lot of guts to post that, and as you'd imagine the comments that follow are chock-full of messages of positivity.
Previously - No Joke