What Gifts Did Obama Give His America-Hating Voters?
We all know Mitt Romney didn't lose the presidential election because he's a no-lips having plastic-faced flipflopper who ran a demographically unrealistic and disorganized campaign and boasted no real policy positions besides tax breaks for the wealthy, firing Big Bird, and putting bitches in binders.
Mittens lost because Barack Obama bribed a slew of lazy, unpatriotic minority groups. Think about it. If they weren't bribed, why would they vote against a guy who thinks half of the country is shiftless and is openly planning to ignore them when in office?
The only question we had at the VICE offices post-election was, what what kind of goodies did Santa Bama drop in the unwashed gym socks and torn pantyhoses of America's dregs? We sent fashion photographer Rocky Li out into the streets of New York to talk to some of these indolent oafs and find out.
Dollar Drone Droppings on Student Loan Defaulters
"Yeah bro, I went to the community college up the street for six years to study ancient Grecian pantomime 'cause bitches like actors. I was balling out too, taking hoes to the dinning hall and getting them that deep dish pizza with the chunky tomatoes on it. My overage checks were fat—I'm talking XBox 360, flat-screen TV, Abercrombie & Fitch sweaters, kegs of Heineken... all of that. But now that I'm done with school, I owe like a hundred million thousand dollars. I was freaking out cause I didn't even get my degree! But it's all good though, cause I've been getting bombed by the Obama money drone like everyday since the campaign started. If he keeps bailing me out, I'll vote for him to have a third term." -Smelliot Mimes, the dude in the middle
Free 24-Hour Plan B Dispenceries
"Obama hooked it up for us freaky bitches out here who stay on that Plan B with these new free 24 hour dispenceries. I like it raw like that ODB song, so Plan B is always my Plan A. I usually stop in here on my way to the club, after the club, or when I'm on my walk of bang. I pop these babies like Reese Pieces, so it wasn't a question of who I was voting for. I'm just a little dissappointed he didn't follow through with his campaign promise of opening abortion clinics in the VIP areas of clubs. If he hooked that up, I wouldn't have to waste time standing in this line on a Friday night—I could be out getting my freak on." -Freekah Nasty, the girl in the front with the fur coat
Free Tattoos and Nails for All Cholas
"Obama knows how to treat a lady, especially a Latina. Mitt Romney may have Mexican blood, but can he help me get my nails did or buy me a RIP tattoo for one of my many cousins who've been brutally murdered by gang violence? Hell no. Plus, Hispanics are taking over this bitch. La Rasza motherfuckers! By 2016, they're going to be serving beans and rice at McDonald's and broadcasting the Super Bowl in Spanish. It's only a matter of time and Obama is so down for the Hispanic takeover of America. That's why he hooked our gift up real nice. Everybody is going to be crossing the border once they hear about these free nails." —Salma Mercado Juarez Rodriguez Ricardo Puente Banderas Cruz
Obama Promises to Support Beast Marriage in 2013
"The real truth is that nobody is really interested in gay marriage. There is no such thing as the LGBT movement. It's all been a big ruse to get what we really want: the right to lawfully marry and fuck cats, dogs, and various cute creatures of the sea. Once you go cat, you never go back. I know I sure didn't. Rumors have it, Biden is going to announce his support for Beast marriage in the coming weeks and then Barack will begrudgingly follow suit. I can't wait for the first Beast Pride parade. Our time is now." -Krenda Fricker
Free 40 Oz. with Every Fried Chicken Dinner
"You know black folks love fried chicken and you know they love malt liquor. This is pretty much a scientific fact and has a lot to do with genetics and the Colonel Sanders's secret recipe. So, when the word hit my hood that if you voted for Obama you would get free chicken and Ballantine, I knew we had finally recieved the reparations we've been waiting on for centuries. I mean, if anything could make slavery, Jim Crow, and institutional oppression OK, it's fried chicken and a 40. I love my president, but I have to be honest, if Romney had come with a delicious thigh that was fried in golden succulent batter, I'd be a Republican. What can I say? I love the bird." -Dilbutthurt F. Pooper