News

Fry Bread Power

It's Dangerously Delicious

By Anni Ferguson

Indians are not known for their healthy diets. Their history is still in their genes and their genes are very worried about being hungry. You see, it used to be that you’d get a buffalo and gorge on it for a week or so and then … nothing. You didn’t know if there’d ever be a buffalo ever again so when you at you ate yourself almost to death and you made your body promise to digest it as slowly as humanly possible.

This kind of a set up doesn’t work so well in today’s world of endless Cheetos. You eat a bag and your body carefully covets every calorie and then, before you know it, there’s another bag. Then another. Not only is their endless food but there’s all kinds of new foods with huge amounts of sugar and flour. Things the genes aren’t used to dealing with. Diabetes has killed more Indians than small pox and until they start eating like it’s 2005 things are only going to get worse.

There’s another, more serious problem with the unhealthy ways of the Indian people. Their food is fucking delicious. Have you ever had fry bread? It’s bread that’s fried and you can dip it in your soup (a flavor packed broth of chunky Indian corn and tender roast beef) or you can have it for desert smothered in whipped cream and topped with jellied strawberries. Then there’s slices of fresh and salty ham or the odd deviled egg you can pop in your mouth between Pepsis. Three’s something about rich, sugary, salty, starch heavy food and cold, bubbly cola. It’s like their best friends.

So anyway, yeah, it’s important that Indians take health a little more seriously and everything but it’s pretty fucking hard to tell them that when you’re chomping down on fry bread so hard you basically have a boner. If this ends up being the death of the red man it sure is going to be a scrumptious way to go.

ANNI FERGUSON