Image by Alex CookNumbers are fucked. Numbers know more about America than America knows about America. It’s as if our whole existence is a string of digits some dork imagined in his sleep and accidentally whipped into creation. Based on the evidence at hand, the state of where we’re headed only gets grosser, which maybe should be more obvious every hour than it already is.By my calculation, here are some predictions, with a head nod to the Harper’s Index of the Not Too Far To Come:Average height of a newborn baby in 2060: 30 inchesIn 2090: 0.4 inchesPercentage of Americans who believe “Silent Night” was written by Jesus Christ: 86Number of wolves kept as house pets in the United States: 3,054,000Number of wolf-human hybrids born to those households: 98,000Times John “Papa John” Schnatter will be re-elected to presidential office following constitutional amendment: 107Number of stand-ins believed to extend the life of “Papa John”: 81Number of toppings available for order on a Papa John’s pizza during his presidency: 2Average weight of pizza consumed per week per citizen: 9 poundsAverage weight of citizen (in new unpronounceable measurement designed to veil actual impact of a person’s weight as indicative of health): 4 poundsAverage weight of cover models of America Monthly magazine (subscription required with citizenship): .0003 poundsTotal sequels in Fast and the Furious chain filmed before the interior collapse of the moon: 39Number of additional biblical commandments “discovered” chiseled onto the face of silver asteroid that will crash down and obliterate the lower half of Florida: 209Length of Disney World Employee Memorial Wall & Hotel constructed along the border between U.S. and Mexico (in miles): 1,933Length of canine teeth of star of Untitled Disney World Asteroid Movie (in inches): 6.7Length of Untitled Disney World Asteroid Movie (in minutes): 449Percentage of Americans emotionally prepared to worship pig's blood in the event science proves God does not actually exist: 76Facial scabs added to the face of the Statue of Liberty as a result of the Realism Act of 2044 before her dismantling by explosion four years later: 190Total number of policemen required to clear the corpses of squatters who’d been living in the Statue of Liberty at the time of its dismantling: 7,000Average age of those policemen: 9Average diameter of a female human nipple (in inches): 9Attempts at cosmetic surgery by Mark Zuckerberg to make his face look like the Statue of Liberty before his accidental death during autoerotic asphyxiation: 95Number of “I’m a hot college girl solicting you for cybersex via private message”–style Facebook profiles found registered and operated by Zuckerberg at time of death: 450Percentage of dudes successfully duped into cybersex with Zuckerberg: 70Number of full-scale replicas of the Starship Enterprise currently occupying the White House basement: 4Number of dildos there: 507Total mileage of hair scalped from the poor: 4,500Percentage of Harry Potter–related titles available on the shelves of American libraries: 40Of thinly veiled attempts to mimic Harry Potter in an attempt to capitalize on the accelerating population of children as more and more adults console their terror with bouts of inebriated sex resulting in mass unwanted childbirth and therefore an exponential need for modes of objects of entertainment for those children: 55Number of billions of dollars spent yearly on hair implants for those children: 11Average number of follicles on an American child’s head in 2016: 140,000In 2050: 30,000In 2070: 6,000,000,000Scripts for bio-pics covering the life of the CEO of Johnson & Johnson pitched to Hollywood in 2070: 560Percentage of those bio-pics actually filmed and released to theaters: 100Money spent on flowers in 2090: $41,000On tiaras: $9,450,000On Bieber-brand Butternut-Squash Daiquiri Cheese-Quake Thirst-Quench Drank: $37,000,000On coffins: $0Total posthumous albums discovered and released as a cassette-only box set by the Axl Rose estate in 2075: 37Average rating of those albums on Pitchfork.com: 8.8New rating invented by Pitchfork upon the release of Thom Yorke’s fortieth solo album, Dog Dynamite: X^545$34Demonstrations held in New York in protest after President Papa John’s subsequent banning of that album as a response to its fourth single, “Fuck Pizza, I Eat Man”: 4Average age of NBA All-Star: 63Average salary: $140,000NBA teams at the time of the dissolution of the league following the election of Dwight Howard 5 as Prime Minister of America: 240Titles won by the Miami Heat during Holographic LeBron era: 30Pages in Holographic LeBron’s memoir, Hologram Marijuana Penis: 9Cost per square foot of Astroturf at the time of mandate requiring it to cover the floors of every lawn and home in post-constitution block of states: $69.69 Street name for sexual position previously known as “sixty-nine”: 4,300,000,000,565,900,900Number of kittens in a litter in 2040: 40In 2050: 50In 2080: 7,000Number of humans in a litter in 2080: 8Ratio of celebrities to “like, normal people”: 3:1Estimated number of genders: 60Of habitable planets: 0@blakebutler
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