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      Gay Men and Their Not-So-Cute Misogyny Problem

      May 20, 2013
      From the column 'Really, Ryan?'

      What’s up with all the misogyny, gay dudes? Seriously. I’m not saying you have to be deep-throating a copy of Feminine Mystique while blasting Julie Ruin, but could some of you (emphasis on SOME) not have such thinly veiled contempt for women?

      Maybe you don’t even realize it. You probably don’t. You probably think you’re just being cute when you belittle your best girlfriend’s appearance or call her (jokingly!) a whore, but no, it doesn’t work that way.

      As glorious as a friendship between a gay man and a straight girl can be, it also has the tendency to get a little dark. For example, we are all aware of the whole “OMG, GAY BEST FRIEND” epidemic where women fetishize their friendships with homos and treat them like a Pez dispenser of fabulousness rather than, you know, a nuanced human being. What I don’t hear getting talked about as much, though, is when the gay guy treats the girl like shit. When his seemingly harmless taunts turn into something that resembles verbal abuse.

      Last year, I was in San Francisco with one of my best girlfriends and her gay friend, whom I had only met once or twice before. We were drinking at some house party, having an A-OK time, when all of a sudden her gay friend starts shouting to her, “You’re a fucking slut. Look at you, you slut-whore!”

      This, I guess, was supposed to be “sassy” and “cute” but really it just made everyone in the room profoundly uncomfortable. He was drunk, too drunk, and his words felt like daggers. My girlfriend had no idea what to do so she just laughed it off and prayed it would stop.

      It didn’t. He spent the whole night calling her horrible names before eventually passing out on the couch. “He does this sometimes,” my friend told me as we were making a run for it. “It’s mortifying and makes me feel like shit.”

      Um, yeah. Getting weirdly slut-shamed by one of your gay friends does seem like quite the unsavory mindfuck. The sad thing is that I’ve watched stuff like this happen before. I’ve seen sociopathic gay monsters befriend sweet insecure girls and proceed to put them down in a variety of ways. “I’m just being honest with you, babe,” they’d say after launching another dig about their hair or whatever was annoying them at the moment. “Because I’m your friend.”

      ***

      “Bi discreet six ft 32 white musc lkng for same to stroke maybe I blow you, laid back normal fun time..no weirdos fat or femme, be over 5'8 and hit me up with info.”

      “Italian guy here

      I am 5.10 ,

      and 143 lbs

      with cock of 7.5 cut

      hit me up with a pic if you are into a masculine sub

      not femme m and no femmes”

      I get that the Men Seeking Men section of Craigslist is supposed to be the fast food of sex. You’re allowed to be specific, that’s sort of the point. If you wanted to be surprised, you’d just go get drunk at the gay bar and see who bites first. Still, I can’t help but feel a little queasy when I read all of the postings that specify “masc, no femmes please” because there are a lot of them.  And maybe it wouldn’t make me feel so bad if I didn’t still live in a culture that celebrated straight-acting gay men and see so many of my gay friends act ashamed when they do something that’s considered stereotypically feminine. Because, really, when being feminine equals bad, being a woman equals bad, ergo misogyny. Are you understanding the math here? The answer is troubling. The gay guy who doesn’t seem gay wins. He’s given a gold star and sent to the head of his class. Meanwhile, the femmes are seen as sad clichés. A dime a dozen that have been picked from an overpopulated gay tree.

      ***

      Most of the time I feel comfortable in my own skin and don’t tag “masculine” or “feminine” to any of my qualities because (LIBERAL ARTS MOMENT) gender is a stupid social construct, duh! Still, I live in a society where divisions exist and different values are placed on what kind of gay man you are. And as long as that happens, I will still see gay boys being cruel to their girlfriends under the guise of playful sass and will still flinch whenever someone describes me as “queen-y.” In this culture, that’s just the way boys are.

      Previously - Hit Me Baby One More Time

      @ryanoconn

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      Topics: really ryan, ryan o'connell, misogyny, women, gender roles

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