BOYSThe boys of Milano are finally coming around to the idea that girlsactually like men. On the rise are patent-leather shoes (fluorescent sneakers now are a scarlet letter), slicked-back or side-parted hair, jackets, suspenders, well-tailored buttoned-up shirts, shaved cheeks, and a dash of old-school cologne. But the gentlemanly look needs a bit of modernizing, and this is achieved by covering everything with a noticeable layer of filth.
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It’s all paint stains, holes, and general unkemptness: more artist than dandy. And the ladies seem grateful. But Milan is no island, and it’s not exempt from the lumberjack-look pandemic: Wool hats, tartan shirts, high-tech all-weather jackets, rolled-up denim treated with waxes, snow boots, beards, and big watches abound. All quality stuff, to be sure. Except that Milan’s winters are not quite Winnipeg’s. It’s a little sillyGIRLSItalian girls can be divided into four supergroups: conceptual girls, good girls, comfy girls, and aggressive girls. Conceptuals hate shapes, colors, and structures, and they keep their minds and wallets on Acne, Marni, and Opening Ceremony. Good girls act French, with carefully placed minutiae, minimal makeup, and Montgomery jackets or vintage capes paired with oversize handbags. Their gingham shirts and teensy cardigans are all very sober and cute. Comfy girls, like Cristiana here, are feel-good sorts who either have a boyfriend in a band, would like to have a boyfriend in a band, or are in a band themselves. They’re less vintage-y than the good girls, with lots of weird t-shirts intended to make others feel dumb. Then there are the Aggressives, who harness the dregs of nu-rave, clubbing, and fashion school: lamé leggings, lots of cleavage, and absurd boot heels. All other girls hate them.
BOYSSpain recently overtook Milan and Nantes as being the place with the most screamy amphetamine gays per square meter in the world. Is there a boy in either Madrid or Barcelona who doesn’t dress gay? It’s like the feys are breaking into ordinary guys’ apartments when they’re asleep, refilling their regular shampoo bottles with Kiehl’s, and replacing all their Umbro sweatshirts with wool-blend cardigans. Boys, if you want to make it through the global recession, you need to start dressing like boring straight men. Depression-era wingtips are in, and satchels are gay but passable. While your trousers and shoes should be gleaming new, accessories must have had the living shit kicked out of them before they can be seen on your person. Color palettes should evoke thoughts of helicopter gunships, tree bark, poo, and rusty nails.GIRLSThe faggy vibe is so resounding that girls have had to start dressing like boys to get our attention. We’re not talking baggy jeans. We mean suit trousers, Docs, tattoos, XXL button-down shirts, grandpa vests, and old-man sweaters. There’s also a new Puritanism going on—long sleeves, high waists, and bubble skirts in model-airplane colors, which are coupled with a streak of red lipstick or a flash of gold. On the stupid side, we’re seeing more capes and Friar Tuck cassocks around too.
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