Governor Chris Christie Pigged Out During Hurricane Sandy
Most Americans are unaware that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has a password-protected livestream from a webcam mounted in his refrigerator to monitor his “food bank” at the fancy governor’s mansion in Princeton. While Gov. Christie doesn’t live at the ridiculously named Drumthwacket estate full-time (usually reserving it for Sunday dinners and private functions), he is known to hole up there during emergency situations and… eat his way through them.
It’s called Stress Induced Eating Syndrome and it’s a very real thing. And this week’s super-mega-conglomerate-mutant-coalescence-of-evil-rain-and-wind, aka Hurricane Sandy, has had devastating effects on Gov. Christie’s ever-expanding waistline—so much so that at this point he looks like he ate the guy in the Hefty bag commercial.
After analyzing webcam footage taken inside Gov. Christie’s fridge and sent to us by an anonymous source (his wife) early this morning, we are proud to present what we believe to be the contents of the portly governor’s gut—or at least what he stuffed in it over the last 14 hours or so.
2:25 PM – Following a press conference focused on how residents should prepare for the impending super-storm, the governor rushed home to heat up a Pizza Hut hot dog-stuffed crust pie (with mustard drizzle sauce), which he had taken out of his freezer to thaw out before he left the mansion to give his televised spiel. His most prized treat (they are unavailable in the US so he has them flash-frozen and shipped into Canada by the dozen), the fact that this was his first choice was indicative of the severity of the situation.
3:40 PM – The governor chows down on a half-dozen double-glazed and chocolate-frosted Krispy Kreme donuts. He belches nonstop for 20 minutes, much to the dismay of his golden retriever.
4:16 PM – After a “bathroom break-arooni” the governor heads to his “favorite local diner” (i.e., any place with a griddle) and orders a chocolate malt and fries.
5:30 PM – Unable to resist the urge to eat pizza and hotdogs at the same time, the good governor devours a second of his beloved hot dog-stuffed pizzas.
6:19 PM – On his way to yet another press conference, Gov. Christie stops by a 7-11 to order a Double Big Gulp of Mountain Dew and a few packs of banana Laffy Taffy, his favorite kind of taffy.
7:31 PM – Following the press conference, Gov. Christie heads home where his wife has cooked him his favorite meal—twice-baked shepherd’s pie with Coca-Cola-and-Cheez-Whiz-infused barbeque sauce and a side of thrice-buttered fried biscuits, followed by something she calls “cake balls.”
8:02 PM – Dinner is followed by a half-hour argument between Gov. Christie and his wife about whether or not he should attend yet another press conference due to his “tum-tum hurting.”
8:34 PM – After receiving a call from an aide during which he begged Gov. Christie to attend the conference, Gov. Christie pops six Alka-Seltzer and hops in his Cadillac.
9:50 PM – En route to the press conference, Gov. Christie selects “Born to Run” on his iPod and halls ass to the city hall… while eating a package of edible panties that he bought his wife for Valentine’s Day a year ago and forgot about after hiding them in between the driver’s seat and center console. He washes this down with a bottle of Pepto-Bismol, a flask of which he keeps on his person at all times.
11:15 PM – Back home from the conference, Gov. Christie roots around his beloved Drumthwacket stash and pulls out a fourth helping of leftover shepherd’s pie—which, he thinks, will go great with a box of Eskimo Pies. Bad choice.
12:18 AM – Sweating bullets and regretting his dietary choices throughout the previous day, Gov. Christie tells his wife and golden retriever that if they need him he will be “holding a press conference in the bathroom.” While purging his demons, he finds a half-eaten pack of Raisinets in the pocket of his pants now around his ankles and finishes it off.
2:18 AM – After trying to catch a few winks to prepare for what will undoubtedly be a terrible morning, Gov. Christie awakes violently… realizing he has shit the bed and is holding a ham sandwich, the origins of which remain unknown.
4:38 AM – Giving up on sleep after frequent interruptions from members of his cabinet, Gov. Christie decides to fortify his inevitably trying day with half a box of Cracklin’ Oat Bran… and three heaping spoonfuls of sugar per bowl.
8:02 AM – On his way back to his office, Gov. Christie passes a Denny’s and cannot resist pulling over to order a Moons Over My Hammy. Then he orders another. And another.
9:30 AM – Gov. Christie holds the day’s first conference, addressing the numerous concerns following the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy… and unleashing such wicked farts on his staff that they start crying.