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      Jesus/Hitler

      December 12, 2011
      From the column 'Greetings From My Mind'

      What is next? What is next for America? What is next for us? We are a shamed nation. Beaten down by the denial of our own evil. Make no mistake about it, we are an evil nation. Meaning we have done evil things. We are the new Germans. Meaning the new Nazis. However, instead of Hitler, we have Jesus. Jesus is our Hitler. We burn books for him. We kill for him. We don’t ask questions for him. If Hitler met Jesus he’d probably try to hang out with him.

      He’d be like:

      HITLER: Hey man we’ve got a lot in common. We should get a coffee, or some lunch, and talk about how much we have in common, because we have a lot in common.”

      I’d like to think that in that moment Jesus would tell Hitler to get the fuck out of his face. But if it were the version Jesus who is worshiped in this country, he probably wouldn’t do that, he’d say something more to the tune of:

      JESUS: Yeah Hitler, I’d love to hang. But fuck coffee, let’s meet at Mcdonald’s, and get five or six value meals between the two of us. Then we can make it a daily ritual. A full on Jesus/Hitler/Big Mac bash. Maybe it would be fun if, after we bought the Big Macs, we took them apart and put them back together, like we worked there, but unlike the workers at Mcdonald’s, after we put the Big Macs together, we’d get to eat them. Rather than serve them to a customer. We’d be our own Big Mac makers, and our own customers. Don’t that sound like fun?”

      I’d like to think that in that moment Hitler would tell that version Jesus that he was a fucking idiot. But of course he wouldn’t do that. He’d instead probably say something like:

      HITLER: That sounds cool, but do you mind if we don’t think of ourselves as workers? I don’t really see myself that way. Not that you do, but you seem to be romanticizing it in such a way that doesn’t exactly appeal to me.

      JESUS: I just thought it might be fun for a change of pace. Considering that you and I are basically the opposite of workers, I thought it might be fun to do an opposite type of thing.

      HITLER: Yeah, but just even the thought of that makes me kind of sick. The idea of working for people that I’m obviously better than really churns the ole gut!

      JESUS: Well how about we just dismantle and remake the Big Macs, but we think about it in our own way? I’ll think about it like we’re workers, and you can think about it in just a regular “I’m making myself a burger” way.

      HITLER: That could be fun I guess.

      JESUS: Look, I’m just trying to have some fun here. You asked me to hang, remember?

      HITLER: No, of course. Let’s do it. We’ll just think different things.

      JESUS: Great. How are you by the way?

      HITLER: I’m great. Still feeling excellent about all that Holocaust shit.

      JESUS: Oh yeah, you should. That was really great. Thanks for getting revenge on those Jews for me by the way.

      HITLER: You’re welcome. To be honest, I was wondering why you hadn’t thanked me yet.

      JESUS: Well I didn’t want to make you think that I thought that was all about me. I can be kind of self-absorbed at times.

      HITLER: Me too. It’s one of the number one things I’ve got to work on.

      JESUS: Cool, so Mcdonald’s it is. Let’s get FAT.

      HITLER: Don’t you mean… PHAT?

      BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

      Sounds fun, right? Think again!!!!!!!! Think again people! Actually, try thinking at all! I promise you won’t go to hell!!!!!!! You’ll just stop living in it!!!!!!!! LET GELMANIA BE YOUR JESUS!!!!!!

      @brettgelman

      For more Brett, visit Gelmania

       

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