Hallmark Is Taking the Gay Out of Christmas Carols

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Hallmark, a chain of stores whose name is shorthand for "bullshit sentimentality for the lowest common denominator," is selling a Christmas ornament that changes the word "gay" in the Christmas carol "Deck the Halls" to "fun." The product description does nothing to address taking out the word "gay." It only adds confusion:

"When it comes to Christmas sweaters, gaudy can be good! Hang up this flashy sweater to make your tree's outfit complete. With its catchy phrase, Don we now our FUN apparel! everyone will be in on the joke."

I'm not sure what they mean when they say "everyone will be in on the joke." It's a really odd choice, actually. Is the joke about ugly sweaters? Because it's distractingly obvious that the word "gay" has been switched out. Is that part of the joke? That "fun" is code for "gay"? That would be somewhat of a reversal when it comes to how the definition of that word "gay" has progressed. Is the joke that ugly sweaters are flamboyant, and thus "gay," and now that we've changed the word to "fun," you don't have to be gay to enjoy them? I'm seriously asking.

When reached for comment, you'd think Hallmark would give a bland PR answer that denies they even noticed the homosexual meaning. Interestingly that's not the route they took. KCTV News in Kansas City, Missouri got a pretty substantive statement from them:

"When the lyrics to 'Deck the Halls' were translated from Gaelic and published in English back in the 1800s, the word 'gay' meant festive or merry. Today it has multiple meanings, which we thought could leave our intent open to misinterpretation. The trend of wearing festively decorated Christmas sweaters to parties is all about fun, and this ornament is intended to play into that, so the planning team decided to say what we meant: 'fun.' That's the spirit we intended and the spirit in which we hope ornament buyers will take it."

That's a bold choice, defending the product at face value, and acknowledging the politically charged word you omitted, by saying it has "multiple meanings." Sorry though, futzing with that particular lyric in a news year that included the antics of Westboro Baptist Church, and the Supreme Court upholding gay marriage, kind of makes it look like you're pandering to people's discomfort with that word, or at least one of its "multiple meanings."

Why'd you pick that word? After all, that same song contains the verb "to troll" as in, "troll the ancient yuletide carol." I hope you steer clear of that lyric, Hallmark, because when the lyrics to "Deck the Halls" were translated from Gaelic and published in English back in the 1800s, the word "troll" meant "sing in the round." Today it has multiple meanings, one of which means "fucking with people for attention."

Or as long as we're changing weird lyrics to Christmas songs, why didn't you do something about this verse in "We Three Kings" that's always made my blood run cold:

“Myrrh is mine: it's bitter perfume/Breathes a life of gathering gloom/Sorrowing, sighing, bleeding dying/Sealed in the stone-cold tomb.”

…Because Myrrh was an incense for corpses. Why not change it to, “Myrrh is nice: it’s for your room/Smells just like a daisy’s bloom…” or something like that? Right now, there aren't millions of Myrrh enthusiasts fighting for their civil rights. Therefore this would have been an okay move, Hallmark. Get it?

Hallmark has failed to learn from the mistakes of others on this exact issue. When the Hallmark execs were sitting in a board room, (I picture it looking exactly like the Costingtons board room from The Simpsons, where they came up with "Love Day") tossing around ideas about what to do about the word "gay," a little searching would have led them to a news story from two Christmases ago. Chris Parker, a school principal in Michigan noticed that a music teacher had changed these exact lyrics to "Don we now our bright apparel," because the kids were giggling.

What did he do? He had the teacher change that shit back to "gay," because "gay" is not a bad word. The children learned that, and sang the song without incident.

If only our chain retailers shared the maturity of those elementary schoolers.

@MikeLeePearl

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