Photos by Bobby Doherty
Illustrations by Johnny Ryan
I am usually a pretty heteronormative kind of guy, especially when it comes to undergarments. I buy boxers from the dollar store in packages of six and refuse to purchase additional pairs until I lose a couple, or they get so worn out and stained that it would be more hygienic to let my genitals flop around in my trousers like the Velveteen Rabbit.
Lately, however, I’ve been feeling very undesirable and wondering things like, “How come ladies and gay guys get to have all the fun and sexy undies?” Then I realized, hey, there was nothing stopping me from slipping into the leg holes of some lacy unmentionables or leather briefs with a removable codpiece.
After a bit of internet underwear research, I became very excited and treated myself to seven pairs of the most elaborate, esoteric, and erotic skivvies to ever grace my hindquarters. Over the next week, I kept a little diary of the proceedings as an intimate keepsake and rated my new underclothes on a 1-5 glitter-dong scale.
MONDAY: KISS MY HEART Y-BACK BY APOLLOWEAR
I discovered that these weren’t a thong after putting them on the wrong way, which resulted in one of the strings cleaving my butt crack. It was very disagreeable, but I quickly recognized my mistake (the heart over my dick was sideways) and slid them around the right way. The fabric felt cheap, which consequently made me feel like a go-go dancer who would fuck old guys for coke, and maybe not even that much coke. Good ball support, though.
TUESDAY: SO CHIC! CHAIN LINK THONG BY BANG! HIM
I thought I wouldn’t be able to get these over my beefy straight-guy thighs, but surprisingly the spandex stretched out to a snug fit. I didn’t mind the thong at first, and these offered the added bonus of cradling my junk nicely. A couple hours later, my mind had changed. The chain pressed into my skin and left painful red indentations while the thong gradually wedgied its way up my rear as I worked at my desk. My recommendation is that one should only wear these for a short period of time, which I’m sure is usually the case.