I’m 19 and I need to get laid. Unfortunately, I think my clothes are getting in the way. My closet is full of stuff my mom bought me at Old Navy. No girls are going to want to touch my private parts if I’m wearing Sketchers and a Gap sweater with apple sauce stains. I need to step it up.
It seems like you've been around the block a few times, and I know you once had a threesome—so, you seem like the perfect guy to ask about this. You've got it all figured out. Shine some of your guiding light on me, Ron. Tell me what will make the ladies in get weak in the knees when they see me walk through the door.
Dear Mr. Never Fresh,
Let me give you a dose of wisdom. There’s no need to get too worried about how you dress. If you feel sexy, you’ll look sexy. That’s how I do it.
I never dress to impress anyone. At the end of the day, my character should speak for itself. I’m not wearing an Armani or Hickey Freeman suit. I’m out here to represent Ron, not a tailor. If someone wants me to get dressed up for a party, that’s a party I’m trying to dip out of. Dressing up for me is a nice pair of jeans and a blazer. Throw that on, and I’m good.
Actually, when I don’t dress up, people look at me more. Yesterday, I was near a hotel in Manhattan, and everybody was staring at me. I heard this tiny blond girl say, “I think he plays football.” I didn’t correct her. I could be a football player if she wants me to be.
That’s the thing with your wardrobe. You can assume a lot about a person by the way they dress, but that doesn’t make it correct. I’ve seen people put on suits and then go into Lauren Taylor and rob it blind. They look like they have a lot of money. And they do, because they’ve stolen it all.
Women have it harder than men, because they think they have to get dressed up to please guys. Guys don’t care about a woman’s wardrobe! The less clothes the better, as far as we’re are concerned. But when a girl dresses up to look hot, she feels hot, and that’s the real turn on. That’s why I’m into women who work out. It’s a turn on to see a woman who is healthy and taking care of herself. Sight is just a small part of what a person has in their heart. I’m not trying to go real deep here, but to get the girls you need to feel confident.
Ready for the big life lesson? Here it is: I never even bought the best clothes I own. Clients like my personality, and then they send me a gift as a thank you. Now I have $90 jeans that I would never have paid for. I have $125 shirts that are way too nice for me. It all comes from who Ron is on the inside. That’s where the true swag lies.
All of that said, don’t wear plaid. All the scrawny, white boys at VICE are decked out in plaid flannel shirts like they’re playing lumberjack. Most of these kids are about 110 pounds. They can barely lift a knife and a fork, let alone an axe.
Good luck getting some skin. Once you find confidence, the ladies will be allover you.
Previously - Hey Ron! Will the Flu Kill Me?
Ron is VICE's accounts receivable manager. He also happens to be a master of mixed martial arts and a treasure trove of knowledge and advice. Your sick perversions, dysfunctional predicaments, and antisocial thoughts don't surprise him. So go ahead, ask him something already. Email Ron your questions at HeyRon@vice.com or tweet them at @Hey_Ron. Every person who gets his or her question answered will receive his or her very own Hey Ron! T-shirt, three print issues of VICE magazine, and a personal note from Ron.