Hey Ron! The other day was my girlfriend’s birthday. I was planning on treating her to a little celebratory tongue lashing—that is until I got a whiff of something awful between her legs. It really ruined the night, and honestly I’ve been avoiding her cooz ever since. How do I go about fixing this problem? How do I tell her she’s got a funky nappy-dugout?
The Lawn Mower
First of all, if you need to ask someone what you should do about this, your girl is not the only one with problems. Did you ever think that the wretched odor in her crotch could be your fault? You’ve got to ask yourself, “Did it stink the first time we hooked up?” Because if it didn’t, you might have given her something down there. Before you go around pointing the finger at people, you need to look in the mirror and get a nostril full of the scents you’re emanating. It may not be good.
If you don’t have some kind of strange new stinky-making STD, it could also be because your girl is fat. You didn’t tell me she was fat, but I’m just going to assume that she is because you seem like the kind of dude that might bag a fat chick. Everybody knows fat girls have smellier coochies than skinny girls, especially in the summer time. I love larger woman, and this fact of life has nothing to do with their cleanliness. A hefty girl will smell perfectly fine during the day. The chubby-coochie-smell comes down to friction—when those legs rub together it can release a horrid funk. By the end of the day to late afternoon, it can get real serious down there.
What you need to do to solve this problem is simply communicate. The way you handle this situation will really speak to what caliber of man you are. I would be like, “Boo, wassup? I've been around enough to know that this smell isn't normal. So if you’re wondering why I haven’t been down there in a while, that’s why. Take care of that and I can go back to enjoying my fish dinner." And that’s the way you handle that. You can work things like this out by just taking it slow and being understanding. However, if you’re seeing puss balls popping out down there, I’d say you’d better bounce.
For the ladies' perspective, if your fella has a bad smell down there, it is probably one of two things: One, they are dipping in someone else’s sauce and that sauce has gone bad. Or two, he’s not bathing. You see when a man smells down there, he probably smells bad everywhere else too—his underarms, his breath, all of that. Women have a better chance of being stinky in that area because of stuff like yeast infections and it’s just naturally clammy and airtight down there. At least it’s supposed to be airtight, unless your girl’s been riding a strong black man...
Lawn Mower's question is about two people in a relationship, but I think it is important to think about funky naughty parts in other scenarios too—like the office. At work, you can't just go up to a lady and tell them they smell fishy. Honestly, if someone said something like that to me I'd definitely be in HR's office for breaking their jaw for an offhand comment like that. You shouldn't say that kind of stuff to someone unless you know them well. The way you handle it in places like work is you write a little note that says something about the person being smelly and needing to get checked, and you include a fresh stick of deoderant or douchebag. That way you don't just let them know they're funky, but you give the tools they need to overcome said funk and become a happy normal person people want to be around in polite company.
Previously - What Should I Say to a Cop
Ron is VICE's accounts receivable manager. He also happens to be a master of mixed martial arts and a treasure trove of knowledge and advice. Even your sick perversions, dysfunctional predicaments, and anti-social thoughts don't surprise him. So go ahead, ask him something already. Email Ron your questions to HeyRon@VICE.com or tweet them to @Hey_Ron. Every person who gets their question answered in his column will receive their very own Hey Ron! t-shirt, three print issues of VICE magazine, and a personal note from Ron.