Hot Dog and the Lady Bun - Family Vacation

Dear Hot Dog and Lady Bun,
My boyfriend wants me to go on his annual family vacation with him this year, but I'm worried. How do I make the right impression while still having fun?

Lady Bun Takes You to an All-Inclusive Advice Resort

Meeting someone’s family is like inspecting their butthole—kind of awkward, but also the fastest way to know where their shit comes from. So when it comes to going on vacation with his family, you’re dealing with a whole toilet bowl of emotions. Your boyfriend is just bringing you along as the clean flush! See, years of resentment and emotional scarring is hard to deal with, so throwing new people into the mix often eases tensions. That’s why in my family we keep a seat open for hobos on Thanksgiving! Nothing makes Mom forget I’m not married yet like a homeless person yelling at her accent pillows. Here are some more family friendlies to make your vacay OK.

• Why not try bonding with his mom with some “mom-friendly interests” like knitting, gardening, or judging people based on their last names!
• On a long car ride? Suggest family activities like singing, or the always popular “silently comparing you to the last one he brought around, plus bathroom stops.”
• Go grocery shopping together! Dad can pick up steaks. Mom can pick up veggies. And his brother can pick up the Nyquil he’ll drink alone to curb a drug habit no one is willing to address.

Now that you’ve all had fun together, it’s time to do what families do best: communicate honestly. Hahahaha. JK! LOL. That was a little joke to lighten things up. What I meant is, use passive-aggressive phrases to get your veiled point across. Below are some words that’ll help you get in with his kin.

• “You’ve done a great job raising your son. Did you always dream he’d be this unemployable?”
• “You remind me so much of my family—warm and friendly people I don’t want to see until next year.”
• “Nothing beats family. Except Michael Jackson’s dad. I heard he beat all of them. Really sad. But hey, great songs!” [High five.]   

Hot Dog Takes You on a Vacation from Thinking for Yourself

Vacations are fun. Sometimes they are so much fun you’ll need to take another vacation FROM THAT VACATION! Apparently those are the best! That’s what I hear around the office. And by office, I mean fever dreams. Family vacations are a little bit like a regular vacation but without all the relaxation and “doing whatever you want” parts. But remember, most families are like pit bulls with rabies: You love them to death but you can’t bring them out in public. So since your girlfriend “showed you hers,” you might as well “show her yours.”  (That doesn’t JUST mean walking around with your dick out. It means also helping out.) Here’s a few ways you can endear yourself to her family so much that they’ll adopt you and drop her off a bridge in a burlap sack:

• Taking on a project and completing it is a great way to insert yourself into the family’s activities. Why not make a special salad, or teach a course on French kissing for all the cousins!
• Remember! Family vacations are about exactly that: FAMILY. Why not add to the fun by prank-announcing that your girlfriend is pregnant at dinner!
• Bringing a fun game can endear you to a family. Why not bring along a croquet set or a revolver with just one bullet?

Now that you’ve laid the foundation of trust with your helpfulness, it’s time to truly become a part of the family like some in-utero digested twin. Here’s a few one-liners that are sure to take you from creepy to family:

• “This is so wonderful. I’ve never had a family because they all died of food poisoning at Thanksgiving. Who wants to try my stuffing?!”
• “Do you guys want to play spin the bottle? Don’t worry, we’ll do all mouth-closed kissing.”
• “I think you can decide who you call family. And I’ve decided all of you are family to me now. Except for Uncle Brian. His testicle falls out of his shorts way too often for it to be a coincidence.”

Previously - Boinking and Bunking

@kurtbraunohler and @albz