Hot Dog and the Lady Bun - First-Time Sex
Feb 8 2012
We answer your pathetic questions about dating, loneliness, and your inevitable failure.
Dear Hot Dog and The Lady Bun,
I recently slept with a guy that I like for the first time. Afterward it was a little awkward. Why is sex so weird?!
Lady Bun Spoons You Through It
Sex is an important part of adulthood, like joint pain and using the word “vaginal.”
But for ladies, it can also be very traumatic. Did you know that women release the same endorphins during sex as they do when buying cats and loose-leaf tea? That’s why we get attached, and that’s what makes things get “weird.” See, women are biologically pre-disposed to fall in love with anything that enters their lower body, which is why lawmakers have made it illegal for a woman to marry a tampon. And much like tampons, men always hang by a string, especially if you get too needy after sex. This is why it’s so important to seem unattached during your first foray into the “In N’ Out” game. Here are some tips to staying cool as a penis-shaped cucumber.
Tips to looking very uninterested during sex.
· Make sure you shrug a lot when you’re doinking. This will achieve that “I don’t know?” look guys love so much in models and/or waitresses.
· Never look him in the eyes. Maybe try wearing sunglasses during sex! That way you’ll finally fulfill his childhood fantasy of fucking the Terminator.
· Do not let him know you’ve had an orgasm. This will make him feel too powerful over your lady parts. Treat your climax like you’re at a really fucked up library (of dicks) and stay very quiet. In fact, try covering your “O” face with the latest Dean Koontz novel!
As we all know, another big part of sex is communication (but not too much yapping!) You want to make sure you keep the conversations light, like your emotions. How about some of these sexy sentences to get the juices flowing.
· “Sex is fun. Like a ‘funky’ cupcake or being in a taxi!”
· “Are these sheets made of linen or just unwashed? They smell like a safari!”
· “I like the way you touch my skin–it’s gentle, as though you were touching a loose eyelash or someone you don’t plan on seeing again.”
Hot Dog Lies Next to You
Hey Ladoya! Great name! Great question! But let me answer your question WITH a question (aka, the shittiest way to answer a question). Why isn’t sex weirder? Imagine if humans had sex by putting our fingers in each other’s mouths. Does that blow your mind or what?! We’d have to wear pants on our mouths and finger gloves all the time! And that’s just the beginning! Check out my new book, Fingerfuckers, for more great ideas like that! In bookstores in 20--> (Two Thousand and Squirty). But enough about me and my awesome, imaginary book! Here are some easy tips on making sex a little less awkward by paying it fuckward:
· Statistics show that women love to chat after sex, while men love to sleep. God was such a trickster when he made us! (Either that, or he doesn’t exist.) Dudes, try this tip on for a healthy relationship: Paint eyeballs on your eyelids, so you can fall asleep and she can tell your sleeping face all about her day!
· Sex is very emotional for women and post-sex crying is not uncommon. This can be confusing and upsetting to a man who doesn’t know why his fuck buddy is making eye-water. Make it easier on yourself by giving them something to cry about! Preempt her breakdown by saying something sad as she orgasms! I like to use the popular, “Over 20,000 puppies are put to death every day in shelters all across America.” Or just yell, “Holocaust!” You’ll have no problem understanding THOSE tears!
· Women crave intimacy! Why not make your first time special by whispering “I LOVE YOU!” at her right after sex? Or make it more special by spelling it out in semen on her belly!
Guys, remember women love to talk AND be listened to. But that doesn’t mean you can just sit there quietly! Talking during sex shows that you’re paying attention and that you know her name. Here are a few handy things to yell while you orgasm:
· “I’ll have what ME’S having!”
· “I’m not interested in a long-term relationship!”
· “Oh BOY! Oh BOY! I’m GOING INSIDE YOU!”
Previously - First-Date Prep
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Meet Ratchet Regi, the Ratchet Queen of the Gathering of the Juggalos
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I Attended a Juggalo Wedding at the Gathering of the Juggalos
I Hunted Feral Hogs in Florida as a Favor to the World
My Week with Sydney
Reasons Why Comic-Con Is the Worst Place Ever
An Interview with a Guy Who Can't Sleep Because He Is Afraid of Dying
A Rigged Indian Casino Karaoke Contest Was the Low Point of My Life