Hot Dog and the Lady Bun - Office Romance

We answer your pathetic questions about dating, loneliness, and your inevitable failure.

Hello Hot Dog and Lady Bun,
I’m currently in a relationship with my boss at work. We are really connected during our spare time and enjoy really great moments. At the office I can’t really detach my feelings towards him, and I end up combining the love feelings with work-related stress. What could I do to cool down my rage? My constant yelling and mocking are destroying my relationship.

Thank you,
Miss me

Lady Bun Slips You the Memo

Congratulations on mastering the messy task of mixing work and play! Looks like that BA (Bonin’ Associates) Degree really paid off. The key, of course, is learning how to keep your emotions (and unequal pay!) in a cubicle. This can be very hard, especially when the stress of the workplace interferes with the mess of your fuckspace.  See, corporate America and fluorescent lights can be very brutal on your privates… if you let them. The key to office romances is to take your work home with you at all times. This will make the transition from the bedroom to the office much easier while also feeding into the gender roles that make our world a terrifying place for people with vaginas. But how do you let him know that he’s really the boss of you? Here are some fun and easy ways to turn back the clock on both the women’s movement and your relationship.

·  Remind him how hard it is for women to get a raise when he has trouble with erections. This will guarantee laughs during otherwise emotionally scarring moments.

·  Make sure you send him cute memos—“I still haven’t met your family” or “Butt stuff?”—during office hours.

·  Refer to his penis as “the ol’ 9 to 5.” This is a cute way to describe his penis length and width to everyone you both know.

But what if merging work and play still doesn’t help? What if all the interoffice intercourse is making things more confusing than your actual job? Here are some ways to get a little time in the break room.

·  “I thought casual Friday meant I didn’t have to take my birth control.”

·  “Don’t worry. We’re not mixing business with pleasure. The sex is terrible.”

·  “I’m giving you the pink slip. That’s the thing where my vagina slips onto Joey in accounting’s wiener.”

Hot Dog Advances Your Paycheck

Getting involved with a coworker is a classic mistake, like buying a parakeet or watching any recent Eddie Murphy movie. But if you’re gonna do it, you definitely want to be on the boss side of the bone-equation. Because there’s nothing ethically questionable about fucking someone whose paycheck you directly control. (There’s almost something romantic and old-timey about it! Like when women couldn’t vote or were considered property!) But balancing work and romance is tough even when you hold all the (business) cards. Here’s some sweet tips on how to project manage the shit out of your inter-office nub-rubbin’:

·  Fucking your underling raises a lot of issues of power differentials (including the awesome benefit of being able to call her “underling”). Make sure you even the playing field by playfully referring to her as “boss” in bed. Then quickly follow it up with, “I’m kidding, I’m the boss… of you. For real.”

·  Offices can seem antiseptic and un-romantic, make your office a “love zone” by going into work after hours and draping your testicles over door handles and staplers.

·  Constantly remind her that fucking a coworker is the genital equivalent of stealing office supplies. Every time you come whisper, “That’s 1/100th of a bottle of white out you just stole, baby.”

Tensions will necessarily arise in any relationship complicated by office stress. Here’s a few ways to handle the inevitable bumps in the road of your sexual exploitation of your fellow co-worker:

·  “I’d love to give you a raise, but my dick signs all the checks; so you have to talk to him, and he only talks to the back of your throat.”

·  “I’m sorry but I’m going to have to lay you off… I’m sorry I mean I have to lay you until I get off. So sorry, I’ve been pronouncing ‘until I get’ silently all day!”

·  “I’d love to give you Employee of the Month but I don’t want anyone to accuse me of favoritism. Especially because we don’t do Employee of the Month here at the funeral home.”

Previously - Open Relationships

Got problems? You sure do! But if you have any dating questions email us at hotdogandtheladybun@gmail.com
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