Hot Dog and the Lady Bun - Parlez-Vous Romance?

We answer your pathetic questions about dating, loneliness, and your inevitable failure.

Dear Hot Dog and The Lady Bun,
I plan on backpacking through Europe this summer and I’m hoping to meet a foreign girl. Any tips on how to flirt with people who don't speak English?

Thanks,
Jack Pack

Hot Dog Stamps your Pussport

Travel is exciting and new! The word “travel” itself derives from two Greek words meaning “expensive” and “diarrhea.” Going abroad to meet a broad is a great idea! Foreign girls are just like a child’s baking oven: EASY. They might seem exotic and intriguing at first, but don’t feel intimidated; foreigners aren’t necessarily better than you. They might have better food, cooler clothes, know more languages, and be far more polite, but you must remember that as an American you are EVERYONE’S SUPERIOR. So slap on that American flag windbreaker, demand that everyone speak English, and get on that boat tour! Soon you’ll find yourself face to face with a real foreign lady (or at least a college girl from Iowa). But how does one bag a chick who doesn’t speak your language? (And when I say “bag” I do mean “capture.”) Here’s some simple ways to non-verbally communicate with your soon-to-be international sex-pat:

• Eye contact is KEY! But sometimes in foreign lands, eye contact from a stranger can be considered “too bold” (or “Boboli” in Italian.) Try this instead: bring a hand mirror and make eye contact using it as you sit with your back to her!
• Use your phone to translate for you! There are lots of apps that will translate your speech for you! Or go old school and just show her dick pics while singing “Purple Rain”!
• Just buy her a drink! Let her know it’s not poisoned by pointing at the drink, making the international sign for choking, then shaking your head “no” for 20 seconds. DO NOT BREAK EYE CONTACT DURING THIS! If she doesn’t go for it, drive your “no poison” point home by rubbing some of the drink on your lips and acting like a dog with your head out the window of a car.

Sadly you won’t be able to remain mute forever (unless you’re traveling in Deafsylvania) and eventually you’re going to have to try to talk to each other. Here’s a few handy lines that might take you from backpacking to butt-packing (if that’s your thing):

• “Hallo, me name est Matt Damon’s Brother und ein vrom Hollywood, USA!”
• “What’s Mexican for ‘My taquito has swim-swim in your paella’?”
• “HAVE YOU EVER SEEN AN IPHONE? WE HAVE THESE IN AMERICA. CAN YOU SAY AMERICA?”

Lady Bun Extends Your Boning Visa

If you’re a girl traveling abroad, you’re in luck! Studies show that most foreign men view American women as the Golden Retrievers of the world—simpleminded and easy to pet! See, based on what we’ve learned in Hollywood movies, women in the US only travel after a bad breakup or to “find themselves,” making them the kind of helpless treat that someone who can’t pronounce “hamburger” wants. And knowing the language isn’t necessary as long as you know the culture. For example, in Spain they take naps after lunch, whereas Russians prefer stabbing a Polaroid of the word “joy.” Potato, Po-TAH-to! All you have to do is learn how to communicate via gestures, like a sexy baby who points and giggles but knows to not shit itself. Below are some helpful tips to help you be the “broad” in “abroad.”

• Most women wear sexy clothing to attract men on vacation. Why not dress up as something foreigners really want, like a slutty pair of Air Jordans?
• Vulnerable drinkers get all the attention. Try chugging four beers in a row, then crush last can on your head and yell, “More Coca-Cola, please!”
• Want to approach someone on the street? Tap them on the shoulder and ask them for directions on a map of Florida. It might be confusing, but it’ll let them know you’re easily lost and like things shaped like a dick.

Now that you’ve gestured your way into some alone time with that international stranger, it’s time for limited chitchat. Try these sentences and turn that travel guide into a travel GUYde.

• “Black Eyed Peas Super Fun Party Party Party Dance Free.” (This is what all Europeans say to each other before making out.)
• “Do they have ‘Toyotathons’ in Brazil?”
• “Yum, yum, USA! I make you pancake?” (Shrug and slap your crotch.)

Previously - Coy Attraction

Got problems? You sure do! But if you have any dating questions email us at hotdogandtheladybun@gmail.com

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