Pretty much everyone in America, sans a "longtime fan" in Phoenix and (hopefully) Jay's wife, Mavis, hates Jay Leno. That being the case, Leno-gate 2013 has definitely taken a toll on the Chinned One's ego. Now, it's finally official, and Jay is on the outs. No one has stood up and defended Jay's honor, even though we all know what's at stake. It appears the American public really is cool with letting that smarmy little Capital One spokes-shit Jimmy Fallon take over The FUCKING TONIGHT SHOW. Clearly we've lost our way, and our collective minds. Listen—Leno wasn't voted "America's Late Night Leader" for nothing, OK? What the hell has Fallon ever won? "Most Manchildest Saturday Night Live Cast Member (Ever Since Adam Sandler Left)"? I’m tired of y’all hating on Jay. If you think Leno hasn’t made the world a better place during his 20-something-year tenure at the helm of The Tonight Show, you’re out of your goddamned mind.
HE, NOT UNLIKE THE UNION, MAKES US STRONG
A few years ago, People magazine revealed that Leno consumes two (as in, more than one) chicken sandwiches from Johnny Rockets (as in, Johnny Rockets) for lunch every day. People didn’t publish this shocking revelation as part of a smear campaign against Leno—he willingly gave them this information. His lack of shame is admirable and something those of us who constantly live in fear of other people’s judgement should aspire to. Do I like Arby's? Yes. Was I ashamed to admit that fact for decades? YES. Leno's bravery, however, has made me embrace my monsterism. Fuck the haters. Pass the Horsey Sauce.
HE'S A POWERFUL SOCIAL CRITIC
With his recurring "Jaywalking" bit, Leno has shed some much-needed light on the rampant problem of Midwestern ignorance. I mean, lemme get this straight—nine out of ten Affliction-clad crackers can't name one Supreme Court Justice? No wonder this country’s going down the drain!
HIS FUNNY CARS ARE FUNNY
Every time one of his funny cars breaks down on the I-5, you know pretty much everyone who drives by laughs their balls off at his misfortune. Regardless of how you feel about Jay’s iteration of The Tonight Show, you’ve gotta admit the man's bringing light and laughter to people's lives in at least one regard. Unlike Jack Paar, who was deeply humorless and, in his spare time, beat orphans with golf clubs.
HE SUPPORTS LOCAL BUSINESS, ONE TWO-DRINK MINIMUM AT A TIME
Leno’s pretty much single-handedly kept the Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa Beach, California, afloat for the past 20 years. I say this because I’ve never heard of anyone but him performing there. I’m sure a quick Google search may very well prove otherwise, but that would serve to negate my point. As such, I refuse to do it.
HE HAD THE BALLS TO TAKE THAT OJ GUY TO TASK
Ah, remember when “the Juice” was loose? The other day I showed my boyfriend The Tonight Show’s "Dancing Itos" bit on YouTube. Now, granted, he was hopped up on marijuana and pain pills at the time, but his first immediate reaction was to mumble, "That's funny." And you know what? IT WAS. Take that, “the Juice!”
HE IS HALF MAN, HALF BUBBA GUMP SHRIMP CO.
Jay is the chain restaurant equivalent of a human being, which no doubt is why he feels such a kinship to Johnny Rockets (and why his blood is 30 percent buttermilk-ranch dressing). We Americans love chain restaurants because they're safe. Comfortable. Consistent. Which is why I love Leno. Every time I turn him on, I know what I’m getting—monologue jokes about Lindsay Lohan and interminably long bits about grammatically incorrect local newspapers. In a world full of fear and uncertainty, Leno’s nightly presence is as comforting as a womb filled with sliders and chicken fingers.
HE HELPED MONETIZE THE CAREERS OF STRUGGLING COMICS. KINDA.
He participated in the Comedy Store strike of 1979. Said strike made Mitzi Shore look like the cunt that she is (and not simply because she brought Pauly "the Weasel" Shore into the world); it also ensured that standup comedians were paid a semiethical wage for their work (a practice that pretty much no longer exists, but was nice while it lasted). He basically ended the strike, too, by pretending to get hit by a car driven by an aggressive nonstriker—he milked his noninjury long enough to get shipped off to the hospital, which forced Shore to concede defeat. OK, so he may have rankled some feathers when he crossed another picket line and wrote his own monologue jokes during the Writer’s Guild strike of 2007–2008, but, like, get over it. That was four years ago!
THE TALIBAN HATED HIS WIFE
Since 1997, Jay’s wife Mavis has been chair of the Feminist Majority Foundation's Campaign to Stop Gender Apartheid in Afghanistan. Her public defense of the rights of Afghan women during the early days of the Taliban’s reign (meaning, before the general public knew how gnarly they were) made her and Jay sworn enemies of all them koo-koo jihadists. Her efforts helped stop the now-defunct petroleum company Unocal from constructing a pipeline across Afghanistan that would have garnered the Taliban billions in revenue; she also helped to change then-President Bill Clinton’s view of the bad ‘ban. I’m not being facetious here, dude. Mavis is a feminist icon. David Letterman's wife is not a feminist, 'cause she stayed with him after he fucked two-thirds of the Harvard Ladies' Lacrosse Team. Jimmy Fallon's wife isn't a feminist. She wears SKIRTS. Have you ever seen Mavis out of a pantsuit? I think not. Fallon? Host of The Tonight Show? Are you kidding me? He doesn’t know word one about family values! Look me in the eye and tell me he can be "America's Late Night Leader"! You can't!
I rest my case.