How to Figure out What's Really Important in Your Life Usin' an NCAA Bracket, You Guys
Karl Welzein is the President and CEO of Bad Boy City, USA. Follow him @DadBoner.
‘Sup. Karl Welzein comin’ atcha live and direct from Grand Blanc, Michigan. I been keepin’ it chillin’, livin’ in my car since the day after St. Paddy’s. My roomie Dave got steamed and kicked me out after some “alleged” “incidents” involving personal “X-rated” nudity, bad language, and one or more broken appliances. Said it was “unacceptable behavior” in the presence of his girlfriend, Sue, and that she was “disgusted beyond belief.” None of these “allegations” seem like the way I style and profile, plus I was blackout bombed for the St. Paddy’s celebraish, so it’s pretty much his word against mine. Could be a lot worse though, like if I had some piece of garbage ride, but I been rockin’ it in a ‘Bring since way back, and quite successfully, thank you very much. Only problem is it gets perty cold so I had to scoop up a plug-in dashboard heater for extra warmth. Fell asleep the other night and felt like I froze off my peener. Kinda concerning. But then I just cranked on the ‘Bring, and shoved my guy zone right close the heater and warmed it back up to full strength. Real toasty.
Plus, when you’re livin’ in your car without a job, it really takes the All Freedom Lifestyle to parts unknown, like the mall parkin’ lot. I been hangin’ at Genesee Valley Center. There’s always babes around, which is so money. Babes love shoppin’. Even got some real looks yesterday when I was topless and scrubbin’ up my pits. Good hygiene is important to babes, and I take pride in my appearance. Even got me a travel-size deod for my backdoor. Always thought that should be the next move for Old Spice. “New Alpha Wolf Backdoor Deod from Old Spice: Respect the Third Pit, You Guys.”
And, when you’re spendin’ most of your time hangin’ in the mall parkin’ lot, the opportunities for grub are pretty endless. Genesee Valley has all the eats I crave, like Palace Coney Island, The Bell, Logans Roadhouse, and a great joint called Bar Louie. Man, they really do things right with the “Luigi.” Bar Louie takes shaved ribeye, shredded lettuce, tomates, plenty of mayo, olive oil, cheddar cheese, and piles it high on a hoagie roll. It’s off the chain with bold flavors and keeps me filled up for a night of car snoozin’. Always hits the spot.
Anyway, so after Dave kicked me out, I got to thinkin’ ‘bout what’s really important in life. I mean, no matter where you go, there you are. And where I are, is always on point. The only gym I need to keep my bod swoll is the ground for some ‘shups. My pony pretty much takes care of itself. So does my ‘rang. And if I hook up with a babe for a carnal rendezvous, we can just head back to her pad so she’s more comfortable. Now, Dave, he was supposed to be my main man, but he’s goin’ through some problems with his gal, which is really causin’ some issues with our mutual guy code. So, I put pen to paper while I was in the public mall john gruntin’ out a hard BM for a little bit of “Life’s Sweet Sixteen.” Think it really says a lot about where I’m headed, and as the man with a plan, I’m gonna keep it rockin’ with the heat of a thousand suns. Not really sure about most of it ‘cause life decisions are hard, but really makes a man think during a stink. Gotta keep your mind sharp and your priorities evolving, you guys.
United We Rock,
POWER MOVES: Livin’ The American Dream, USA Style by Karl Welzein is now available for pre-sale on Amazon from HarperCollins’ It Books
Cheers to the Revolution: Kiev's Beautiful Molotov Cocktails
VICE Shorts: I'm Short, Not Stupid Presents: 'How to Keep Smoking'
LA Banned Smoking E-Cigarettes in Public Places
The Ass Menagerie
VICE News: Investigating an Unsolved KKK Murder in the Deep South
Meet the New Generation of British Nudists
Dangerous Unhappy Things: A True Ghost Story
Meet the Nieratkos: Thomas Campbell Made a Skate Video That’s Actually Worth Watching
Sculpting Nudes in a New York Night Club