Karl Welzein is the President and CEO of Bad Boy City, USA. Follow him @DadBoner.
’Sup. Name’s Karl Welzein, comin’ atcha live and direct from Grand Blanc, MI. Caught some pretty nasty D from a *Totino’s Party Pizza that may or may not have gone bad. Fell out of my grocery bag from Kroger and sat in my backseat for a week or so. Could be longer? Or less longer? Hard to tell. Time just flies when you’re livin’ the all-freedom lifestyle, 24/7, 365, open on Sundays, you guys.
Was kinda questionable ’cause it’s been real cold and crap so anytime the heat wasn’t on in ’Bring, the Tino’s was probably in a safe situaish. But I like to cruise for various purposes including business ventures as well as peepin’ babes on the regular, so in those times the ’Tino’s coulda thawed out and then got refroze several times. No way to be 100 percent. Anyway, pretty sure it gave me ’rrhea, so I gotta write this from the john. Heard a lot of the greats like Hemmingway wrote crap on the toilet for peace and sanctuary. Kinda cool?
So, sometime around when I first purchased the ’Tino’s ’a, we were rockin’ it with the heat of a thousand suns to show respect for my main man Guy Fieri’s b-day. Everything was on point. Then my pal Crazy Cooter came by with two fifths of Beam. Said he “brought one for the slizz and one for the dampness!” Guess he wasn’t informed that no babes were at the celebraish. Cooter got kinda steamed and pounded a fifth himself. Then pulled a copy of the XXX guy mag, Cheri—pretty raunchy... I’m more of a Penthouse man. Always have been, since way back—out of his waistband and said, "If you don't got no slampigs comin’ by, then I'm just gonna rock it,” and went in the john for solo carnal passions.
Cooter was in there for a while. Figured he was havin’ guy troubles with his peener & veggies so I just made myself a tall Beam & ice and hit the sack. Smooth sippin’ with Jim + a soft pillow = dreams of majesty. Do the math, your highness.
When I got up for a late-night BM, Cooter was still locked in the john, makin’ moans and groans not of the carnal kind. Thought I was gonna have a brownsplosion, so I kicked the door down, bad-boy style. It’s not the first time I’ve had to kick it in for emergency purposes, you guys. Cooter was lookin’ real bad in the face area and not makin’ sense, so we got him an ambulance. Turned out he’d had a small stroke. Kinda concerning. (No solo carnal passions gags ’bout “small strokes” insinuated.)
Went to visit Coot with my roomie Dave the next day with Hot ’n Ready’s, Triscuits & mayo, and cold ones. The works, really. Full spread. Unfortunately we were asked to leave by a rather large security soul brother. Dave kept pointin’ at his peener and talkin’ ’bout how “his sweatpants were Febreze fresh” and “how could he get some closet doctor passions like on Grey’s Anatomy?” Idiot. He’s got no class.
Couple days later, Coot got outta the hospital, but when he was cruisin’ over to my pad to get it on with a couple grossout, hangaround babes named Biggie Smalls and Ratface, he had another stroke and crashed his ma’s Grand Marquis. Guess his craving for “slizz” made him go against doctor’s orders. It’s sad, but understandable.
A couple days later, I went to visit Crazy Cooter with a copy of Penthouse Forum to read him some letters, guy to guy. So special. Thought it’d be best to let Coot enjoy the carnal passions of the mind so his bod could heal. Looks like now we’re gonna get together on writin’ a letter to Penthouse Forum, tag-team style. Coot told me a bunch of erotic tales that I could hardly believe happened to him, but he swore they were true. Friendship is important, you guys.
HERE’S SOME TIPS ON HOW TO KEEP IT CHILLIN’ WHEN VISITIN’ A PIECE-OF-GARBAGE PAL IN THE HOSPITAL:
1. Bring cold ones.
2. Plenty of ’za.
3. Triscuits & Mayo for comfort snackin’.
4. Maybe bring a boombox? Keep it rockin’.
5. DO NOT point at your peener when peepin’ nurse or doctor babes. Just play it cool and scope their chest beefers and cabooses through your shades. Show some class.
6. Read some Penthouse Forum letters out loud, guy to guy.
United We Rock,
*I don’t always get Totino’s. I’m not some cheapskate loser nobody. But sometimes, man, they really take me back with memories to times before the whole Rising Crust premium frozen- ’za fad swept the nation from coast to coast.
POWER MOVES: Livin’ The American Dream, USA Style by Karl Welzein is now available for pre-sale on Amazon from HarperCollins’ It Books.
Previously - How to Rock It for the Supes' Celebraish
Follow Karl on Twitter @DadBoner
Image by Jordan Rein