We assigned Ben Johnson the task of writing about what it is about people that makes them feel like an excessive use of exclamation points makes whatever they're writing seem more "nice." Here's what he came up with.
Thanks so much!!!! Your prompt response is appreciated!!!! I am glad you responded so quickly!! I’m sure this year’s event will be even better than last year’s!!!!!! I hope you’re ready for some PIZZA and KARAOKE!!! I know you are!! LOLOLOL!!!!!!I am being friendly!!! You can tell I’m being friendly because I’m so enthusiastic!!!!! This is what FRIENDLINESS looks like!!!! Me!!!!!!! Right now for example!! I am currently being so friendly!!!!!! Not desperate!!!! Not pushy!! Or menacing!!! Or the inadvertently menacing pushiness that comes from a lifetime of seething desperation!!!! NOT that!!!!!!! FRIENDLY!!!!! I AM FRIENDLY!!!!!!! I AM SO FRIENDLY RIGHT NOW!!! That’s all!!!! Just friendly!!! No big deal! Honestly!!!!I have pets!!!! I will tell you about them!!!! I do not need you to ask!!!! I have pictures of those pets I will send you!!! Please look at them!!! I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO WORK A COMPUTER BUT I WANT YOU TO SEE MY PETS!!!!!!! PLEASE HELP ME IT’S NOT WORKING!!!!!!!!!!! I have pets!!!!!! They are my pets!!!!!!! I can have them!!! The lady let me have them!!!!! Nobody told me not to have them!!!! Pets!! I have them!!!! Look at me, I’m okay!!!! I’m gonna be okay!!!!!! I can buy food and give it to a cat or a dog!!!!! I can throw that cat or dog’s poop away!!!!! Then the cat or dog will respond to me with affectionate-seeming behavior which their species evolved over the millennia as a way to ensure their survival through my care!!!!! So I can’t be ALL BAD!!!! I have a pet!!!!!!! The only drawback is that my pet can’t talk!!!!! It’s not a human!!!! I’d have a human for a pet if I could!!!! JK LOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!! Look!!!! I want to show you a picture of my pets!!!! And also tell you a story about my pets!!!! The moral of every story I tell about my pets is there is a living thing in the world that doesn’t treat me like a piece of shit all the time!!!!!! I’m lonely, LOL, JK!!!!!! I should mention it’s “pets”!!!!!! Pets plural!!! Multiple pets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! More than one pet!!! Living animals of pets!!!!!!!!Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person around here who does anything!!!!!! I mean, honestly!!!! I feel a need to insert myself into every inane detail of how to run a business or reinforce a family’s affection for each other!!!! Because if I didn’t NOBODY ELSE WOULD!!!! I have the market cornered on giving a hoot!!!!! I’m the person who does that!!! Me!!! I think of it as a tremendous responsibility!!!!! I am the hub of communication!!!!! Otherwise chaos!!! It is not that I need more attention than I am getting, I just wish I was more appreciated!!!!! I do a lot of very hard work!!!!! I am the only person noticing that!!!!! I’ll point it out to you in case you didn’t notice!!!! I brought the balloons from home!!!! I am indispensible!!!! I am necessary!!!!!!!!!!!! I have skills!!!! Caring about the correct alignment on the streamers I bought with my own money to decorate the kitchen for Todd’s birthday is a full-time job!!!! And Todd repays me by taking the day off!!!! I wish he had consulted me first!!!!! Everybody knows I’m the birthday lady!!!!!!!!!! I even have to decorate for my own birthday!!!!!!!!! It’s unfair!!!! I chose this!!!!!!!!! This is what I am!!!!!!PLEASE NO FISH in the MICROWAVE!!!!! It creates a SMELL that is UNPLEASANT to OTHERS!!!!!!!! I can’t believe it’s even necessary to say this!!!! But it is!!!! It is necessary!!!!!! I am necessary!!!!!!! Help!!!! Help me!!!!!! Please look at me and have a conversation with me and tell me you love me and you need me and everything is going to be okay!!!!!!!!! I am dying and I hate myself!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!! I can’t understand why you wouldn’t want to spend a little time chatting with me!!!!! I am so friendly!!! And I am enthusiastic!!!! I can’t understand why anybody wouldn’t want to be around that!!!! I am available around the clock!!!!!Thanks a bunch!!!!!!!! Your order should arrive by the end of the week!!!!!!! LOL!!
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