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      I’m Empty Inside

      September 8, 2011
      Ellis Jones

      By Ellis Jones

      Managing Editor


      This cornucopia of fresh, brightly colored fruits and veggies looks pretty tasty, right? Try eating it every day—at room temperature—and then get back to us.
       


      Why the long face, Ellis? She admits that shopping for her first enema wasn’t so bad. It took about five seconds to decide on one—whatever didn’t resemble a large, hollow dildo.

      Recently I had one of those vomit sessions that burst blood vessels and permanently stained my toilet bowl. I awoke at 5 PM hanging halfway off the bed, dizzy and fuzzy-tongued from a late-night champagne binge. I pushed myself off the mattress and planted one foot on the floor, which immediately led to a wobbly gallop to the toilet. I spewed Mountain Dew-colored acid across the bathroom before stumbling back to bed.

      When I awoke, again, a few hours later, my bed was drenched in sweat. I smelled like stale champagne and beer mixed with bile, and it felt like poison was boiling deep within my belly. Its grumbles spoke to me: “It’s time for an industrial-strength detox.” Regardless of which method I chose, I knew I wouldn’t be happy unless I had physical evidence; I needed to witness this evil exit my body to be certain it was gone.

      I googled around and found a book called The Amazing Liver and Gallbladder Flush. It promised to restore my health and vitality, climaxing with me shitting out a bunch of multicolored stones—little Fruity Pebbles of bodily sin that would sprinkle my porcelain throne with success. Perfect.

      As I skimmed the book, I discovered that its author, Andreas Moritz, is a proponent of alternative medicine, as well as an artist (more on that later). He’s written many other health-related books: Cancer Is Not a Disease, Ending the AIDS Myth, and Hear the Whispers, Live Your Dream.

      The basic point of the flush is to rid the liver and gallbladder of gallstones. It takes six days of preparation (adhering to a strict raw-food diet) and is followed by about 16 hours of actual cleansing (shitting out a rainbow of stones). It instructed me to drink 32 ounces of apple juice a day because the malic acid in the juice softens gallstones, making them easier to pass. Also, everything I ate or drank had to be room temperature. Andreas claims that cold food and drinks chill the liver, which reduces the effectiveness of the cleanse.


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