Inside Snowmageddon

Yesterday, I found myself smack bang in the center of one of the world's biggest news stories: The shitty weather that's taken over America. I happened to be in Chicago, and since Vice is basically an international news organization now with people on the ground in Pakistan and Egypt and wherever students are burning things, I figured it was my duty to venture out into the "snowpocalypse" and give you guys the "inside scoop" on the "hot story" (I'm also trying to work more news-y terms into my vocab).

The first thing I did when I got outside was fall down these stairs. Fascinating snow-fact: Snow is nowhere near as cushioning as it looks when you see people fall over in snowboarding videos.

Once I got to the street, it looked like this. Imagine being in the worst weather you've ever been in; now imagine there's someone throwing handfuls of really cold sand into your face over and over again. Oh, and even though you've only been outside for two minutes, there's fucking ICE in your facial hair.

I figured that while I was out I would buy food. Turned out every single place was closed. Which is understandable. Because this is what doorways looked like.

Even McDonalds was closed. And they have McDonalds in Iraq. Which means that, right now, Chicago is worse than Iraq (if you use really really dumb logic).

Weirdly, the snow had made this poster for The Tourist look EXACTLY like the face on Mars:

Right? I tried to brush away some of the snow so people could see Johnny and Angelina's intense sexual chemistry the way God intended it, but that snow was somehow on the inside of the glass. Weird, huh?

Can you believe people were out walking their dogs in this? If I weren't a serious journalist with a story to cover, there's no way I would have left the house. I'd have just let my dog shit inside.

And jogging? Are you fucking kidding me? I think your body would forgive you if you took one day off.

And with that, I went home. Because did I mention there was ICE IN MY FACIAL HAIR?

Conclusion: Snow sucks.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS TAETE