Justin Bieber Barfed Because He Hates Himself

To be fair, it didn’t even look like that much vomit. Like, we’re talking a low-level puke quotient at most. If you haven’t seen the video of Justin Bieber throwing up during his first Believe tour date in Arizona, do yourself a favor and watch it as soon as humanly possible. It’s mesmerizing, like going to a hypnotist, and then having them suddenly spray you with vomit. In case you are one of those weird progress-phobes who like using the internet but hate watching videos, here’s basically what happened.

• Justin Bieber sauntered onstage like the swaggy adult bro that he so desperately wants to be, singing a song that sounds suspiciously like N*SYNC’s “Bye Bye Bye.”
• Justin Bieber turns around suddenly, as if being attacked by a pack of invisible woodland creatures.
• Justin Bieber throws up maybe three dry heaves, and lets loose with a mere single torrent of unpleasantness. It is white.
• Later, Justin Bieber tweeted, “Milk was a bad choice! Lol.”

So, now that we’ve established a sequence of events, let’s unpack them. There are five ways to read how the shit (or vom) went down:

Justin Bieber actually drank bad milk.

Again, not that much vomit. I threw up at least twice that much on Saturday, and then went out afterwards. So if he ingested something he shouldn’t have ingested, it probably wasn’t that much, and it probably wasn’t that bad. If you’ve got a little milk sloshing around in your stomach it’s totally conceivable that you’d end up losing it once you’re jumping around and swagging out. On the other hand, the Biebs has been performing live for long enough that he knows better than to ingest dairy before hitting the stage. Plus, you’re allowed to drink milk up to a week after the expiration date. The little moppet didn’t throw up bad fucking milk. Which leads us to possibility two.

Justin Bieber gets stage fright.

Could this be? I have a theory that part of Justin Bieber’s charm lies within the fact that he looks like a child, acts like a child, and in spite of himself still retains very obvious childlike tendencies. He’s a little man, yes, but he’s mainly just a little boy. And little boys get stage fright, and then they throw up. Eh, probably not. More likely…

Justin Bieber hates his life.

Being more famous than fuck is like its own special prison. You can’t go outside without getting recognized, which sucks, and no one will treat you genuinely again, as they’re going to go into meeting you with a fuckton of preconceived notions about who you are. This probably isn’t fun for lil’ Biebsies, and when you factor in that he has handlers governing his every move, then suddenly you’re left the realization that Justin Bieber, mousy theater kid from Canada, might not exactly enjoy being Justin Bieber, International Song And Dance Man. Watch him on TV; he looks uncomfortable. He speaks with all the enthusiasm of a high school kid running for Class President, crossed with a press release. So he might throw up onstage every once and a while, because…

Justin Bieber is probably on drugs.

Let’s face it. Celebrities live lives of leisure, and having all that free time on your hands inevitably ends in them becoming Scientologists or total drug addicts. If you follow Justin Bieber’s public life as closely as I do, you’d see that he’s probably on drugs, or at least has ingested alcohol before. I am saying this because I have viewed an image of him touching Selena Gomez on the butt. Anyways, I think we should all just agree that he’s on drugs and say he threw up because he’s on drugs. Off to rehab with you, Bieber. But not before we call him out on being a fraud because the main takeaway from the Vomgate.

JUSTIN BIEBER IS FUCKING LIPSYNCING.

If you watch the video, you notice that while Justin might stop singing in order to throw up, the sound doesn’t throw up with him. When you vom, you tend to make a lot of guttural noises, because throwing up feels like all of your insides are trying to escape your body through your mouth. But you can’t hear shit over the PA, and the whole vomitation happened so quickly that it would have been impossible for the sound dude to switch over to a backing track or whatever. Which means there was a backing track the entire time. Which is fine I guess, it’s just kind of disappointing that even if he’s not high or stressed out, our little angel Justin Bieber isn’t as perfect as we thought he was. Justin, if on the off chance you know what VICE is and are reading this, you’re going to be okay. Just chill out, stop throwing up. Or don’t. Just don’t die on us, kiddo.

This illustration by Sierra Dufault shows what it would look like if Fergie pissed on Justin Bieber while he vomited at the same time.

@drewmillard