Kelly’s Krush Korner – Common Folk Edition #1

So as I mentioned last week, I’m getting semi-bored with writing about wanting to get sweaty and lewd with various celebrities. I mean, aside from being insanely attractive, wealthy, and usually on the tipping side of bat-shit crazy, what have they done to earn my love? Nothing, that’s what.

At the end of last week’s column I posted my email address and invited commoners to submit their photos and bios to be considered for future Krush Korners. I figure I’ll do this from time to time until I piss someone off bad enough that they punch me in the face.

I recieved about ten emails and forgot about most of them, probably because I was drunk when I read them, or looked at them on my phone like five seconds after having sex, but I do remember that the first one I got was from a girl with short blonde hair, or maybe no hair at all, who said she was a Christian virgin who wanted to write for VICE. The second one was from some guy who I want to tell you was chubby, because he was/is, but I’m holding back because I don’t want to seem like an a-hole. He was fat, though. Then this really cute guy emailed me late at night and sent this hot photo, but changed his mind the next day and was like, “Please don’t write about me. I could get fired.” I responded by telling him that this pussery made me want to write about him even more, and he suggested I use a fake name and picture for him. Whatever, pussy face boner killer, you’re dumped.

The other night a person named Alex White sent me an email with the subject: "Krush Korner All-Time Craziest Brunette: Vanessa Torres," and this is what the message said:

Hi Kelly,

I submit my friend Vanessa Torres to your Krush Korner. Facebook her. She's a fucking nutso brunette, X-list celebrity (as in X-treme because she's a pro skateboarder).  You probably already met her, perhaps getting kicked out of your local bar screaming drunk? Anyway, every little girl skater in the world (all 5 of them) are in love with Vanessa. Many celebrate coming out of the closet by piggy-backing her wild lifestyle until they can no longer keep up.

There's plenty amazing photos of her in all states of white-girl-wastedness. She's got something that people just love. Some charisma in her that's rare in this day and age.

Your article is so funny I had to go back and read every single one since I discovered it a month ago. Keep up the Krush Korner.

Love,
Alex White

PS. There's way better photos of V. This is just what I had on my phone.

Um …. Here we go:

1)    Dear Vanessa Torres, do you know that your friend Alex is offering your very young body up to a middle-aged pervert who writes filth for the internet? Are you OK with this?  You’re like, 17, right?

2)    You can’t wear that hat any more.

3)    Peeing in public is a good start, but all advanced lesbians are straight up shitting on things now. What blogs have YOU been reading?

4)    If you got your eyebrows done and slept on your face for a month so your nose turned up a little, and then bought contacts that made your brown eyes have green flecks, we’d basically look like the same person, which I’m OK with. When can we date? Can you send me a picture of your fingers?

See! Wasn’t this a hoot?

Email me at reviews@vice.com and I might do it again. You can send nudes if you want, but just know that we WILL post them.

@WolfieVibes

Previously – Rooney Mara