Kelly’s Krush Korner - Winona Ryder

The other night I was bored and watching the deluxe DVD version of Lost Boys. On the extras disc they had a big long thing about how the special effects makeup guy went to great lengths to do minimal facial prosthetics, but instead focus on these really elaborate glass contacts that made the vampire’s eyes the focal point of their vampy-ness. It worked. I weigh every vampire movie I see now against that one, and if the vampires don’t have sparkly, glitter ball eyes, then I’m not having it. Winona Ryder could have a trademarked line of contacts modeled after her peepers called the COMPLETELY CRAZY INSANE eye. I love her, and I’m not saying this as a negative thing, but lady has those black, tar pool eyes that are usually reserved for scenes in movies where the main character finally becomes possessed by the devil. And, hi, did you see her in Black Swan? I was like, “WINONA! YOU ARE SO SCARY!”

Do you feel like maybe all of Winona’s movie roles have been secret cries for help? I mean, first she was in Lucas where she was like “Oh crap, I play the tuba or some shit,” and then she was in Beetlejuice where she was like “Well, now I’m goth and see dead craft enthusiasts,” and it kind of went along as such until her most recent, Black Swan, where she just threw her hands up in the air and said, “You guys didn’t pick up on what I was putting down, so now I’m just gonna stab myself in the face in front of Natalie Portman.” In no small way, I adore her for all of these things and more, because if there was a function on OkCupid that allowed you to search for only crazy brunette ladies, I’d never veer away from it. (Hilarious that I’m even saying that because we all know that site should be called OkCuntface.)

The craziest part of all of this is that I waited this long to write about Winona Ryder. She is quite literally my gay root. When I was roughly 14 years old I had a dream that I kissed her and the following morning I woke up completely gay. I’m not even exaggerating. BWR (before Winona Ryder) I was heckling homo Geraldo guests with my parents during dinner, and AFW (after Winona Ryder) I was passing notes with my best friend in French class about how we should make out to see what it’s like.

My bond with Winona is as strong as it is, and has only grown throughout the years, because we have so much in common. Winona is a Jewish, and I get mistaken for one on a daily basis. In fact, this happened just the other day while I was walking down Bedford to buy some French bread pizza at Duane Reade. A group of Jewish citizens were standing on the corner and just as I was about to pass them, the main guy shoved some weeds in my face and said a sentence in a foreign tongue that I knew to be a question because it went up at the end. I assumed the question he asked was “Are you a Jewish?” So I just put my hand up and said “No. I just like to wear hats.” Winona and I also share a fondness for trying to look and act as creepy as possible, stealing and then getting caught for it, taking other peoples prescription drugs whenever possible, and getting the names of people who don’t really care for us tattooed on our bodies. We’re basically the same person.

Remember the outfit Winona wore in Welcome Home Roxy Carmichael? That bright pink dress with the combat boots with pink laces? Well I wore that exact outfit to my 8th grade graduation, and to this day I see it as a fond little knick in the tree trunk of life, signaling that I was really destined for an exciting (and awkward and anxiety-ridden and angst-filled) life. My favorite memory of that day is waiting behind the stage to go up and receive my Party City purchased diploma and having my history teacher, Donna Conant, come up, grab my arm, and sort of grunt into my ear, “You’re gonna have a real interesting life.” I looked at her like her asshole just farted out “The Star-Spangled Banner,” and then two months later she died while shopping at Mervyns. But I’m still alive!!!! Call me Winona! Let’s go steal some shit!!

@WolfieVibes

Previously – Tim Riggins