Kelly's Krush Korner - Lily Tomlin

When the videos of Lily Tomlin losing her mind on the set of I Heart Huckabees went viral, she was really upset about it. During the first few months directly after the scandal, I would drive over to her “I need some time alone” house in upstate New York to make sure she was OK, and find her laying in a deck chair by the pool, dressed in her Snow White costume from 9 to 5.

“Does anyone know that you stole that costume?” I asked her. “FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!” She replied. And I’d be like “EWWW! You don’t need to talk to me like that.”

I understood where she was coming from and during her attacks I’d gently place my hand on her head, like you would with a small child, and say “Shhhh. Shhhhh. Dry your eyes now, you’re allowed to be a bitch because you’re rich and funny. That’s how it works.” This got a smile out of her, so I tried my luck and quickly followed up with, “And plus, I’ve always found you very beautiful.”

Now it’s common knowledge that Lily has been with the same lady for about 30 years, but what most people don’t know is that they’re total swingers. This bit of trivia should come as no shock: Being with one vagina for a few years gets old, especially if it’s old; and Lily is notoriously fond of chasing after ladies who are about 25 years younger than her, with curly hair and thick framed glasses. It’s like a thing.

Basking in the compliment I had just given her, she lowered her eyes and grinned, thinking secret thoughts for a bit, before twisting in her chair to fetch a Benson and Hedges cigarette from the small table next to her. As she did this, one of her boobs fell out, just a little bit, from the top of her costume and I made no effort to hide the fact that I had seen it. “Have you ever seen All of Me?” Lily asked with a coy flick of her lighter. “Fuck yes I have,” I boldly replied.

Just when things were starting to get good, we heard the garage door opening--which signaled the fact that Lily’s partner, Jane, was home. Jane and I have never really gotten along; partly because of the time I accidentally started a small kitchen fire in their home a few Thamksgivings ago while attempting to deep fry a turkey for the first time, but primarily because she’s constantly catching me looking at Lily’s ass. The first few times she’d reprimand me with a funny look and a playful wag of her finger, but now when she does it she mouths the words “I fucking hate you,” and I can tell by the look in her eye that she means it. When this happens I just shrug my shoulders as if to say “What do you want from me?”

Lily and I will have sex some day, I just know it, and when it happens it will be a beautiful thing. I like to picture our first time taking place in a cabin in the woods. She’ll teach me sex tricks that only sexy old people can know, and after we’re done, we’ll lay in each other’s arms and watch TV. Right before we nod off I’ll whisper in her ear, “Lily, can you tell me secrets about Dolly Parton?” And she’ll give confusing responses like “No.”

KELLY MCCLURE