CARE ME A RIVER
Dear Vice, I’m enjoying this schizophrenic conversation you’re having with yourself about “caring.” You seem to want to tell all the impressionable youths that it’s cool to care about social issues, but only from a properly ironic distance. You’re trying to walk a really thin line. I don’t think it’s working though. Take your article about horse fighting in the Philippines. Am I supposed to call somebody to stop them? Am I supposed to enjoy the rawkin’ photos? Both, somehow? Your newfound environmentalism is similar. Here’s my take: Environmentalism is important, but the only cool way I can engage with it is by making fun of the hippies who started it. Again, am I supposed to get off my ass and do something? Even the DOs and DON’Ts are getting conflicted—half the time they celebrate twenty-somethings for dressing like five-year-olds, and the other half is spent cursing them for not growing up and getting a life. I understand, at the end of the day you’re a business and you stay in existence by selling cool shit for the Vice-branded lifestyle. You seem to be having some angst about this, though. My unbidden advice? Pick an issue, then shit or get off the pot. Last month a reader wrote, “You know what is cool? Giving a shit and trying.” He’s wrong—it’s really not possible to give a shit and look cool, because cool is primarily based on not giving a shit. But maybe we don’t have to be cool all the time? JC DWYER
Laredo, TX OK, Mr. Conflicted, and here’s some advice for you: Chill the fuck out, you fucking overwrought freak. Do you spend so much time every morning trying to decide whether or not it’s time to take a dump that you just end up shitting your pants? SPEED SPOOK
Hey Vice, My roommate is from Costa Rica, and he somehow has found a good hookup and has recently been giving me a lot of what he calls “free, pure, uncut Colombian cocaine.” It’s the best shit I’ve ever had in my life. But honestly, I think it’s weird, because instead of wanting to be social and talk about how deep-sea creatures are cool or something like I usually do when I do normal Canadian (super meth-y) blow, I have developed this weird introverted obsession where I sit alone in my room and go on ghost-sighting websites from all around the world and scare myself by looking at the pictures that people submit and, like, cry. Is that normal? I don’t really think that it is. Are ghosts real, Vice magazine? HALEY COURBET
Montreal, QC, Canada Yes, ghosts are real. And what you are doing is a very valid way to spend your time. We like you. THE FEMININE MISTAKE
Dear Vice, I just wanted to complain on behalf of all the women out here that women suck. If I see one more letter in your Vice Mail section from some whiny-ass pseudo-feminist rich girl I think I may explode. I am so very sick of all these women complaining about how demeaning you are to women and how showing naked girls is a bad thing and that tits are for private use only. I love boobs. I love having them (seriously, they rock, and all you guys out there should go get a pair ’cause you’re missing out), and by God, if some perfect-breasted girl feels like showing ’em off, more power to her. Anyway, have none of these women actually thought about what they have to complain about? Nothing, that’s what. We can vote, we have rights, and having a few naked girls in a magazine isn’t gonna change that. And besides, what kind of guy is attracted to a bitchy, controlling, and very complainy man of a woman? I certainly wouldn’t be. So yeah, I guess the gist of what I’m saying here is that it is high time for women to stop bitching people out and bake some cookies. Chocolate chip would be preferable. Sincerely,
LUCY
Boston, MA We’re with ya, Lucy. Now show us your tits and we’ll give you this string of shiny plastic beads. THE VAMPIRE LESUCK
Dear Vice, Whoever claims Vampire Weekend are lame does not know music. At all. Lyrically. Musically. Songwritingly. Completely superior to everything currently out there—except maybe Times New Viking, but them we won’t count. Just because they’re smarter than you does not give you permission to hate. And yes, I know that’s what you’re doing. It’s obvious here: “…but they literally just copied Graceland into ProTools and added some voices.” That “just” is superfluous. Betta check yo’self ’fo’ you… yeah, you get the picture. JASON
Via Vice.com Just check in with us next year, when you haven’t listened to Vampire Weekend for months and you’re wondering what the fuck you were thinking liking that pussy, pussy band. STATE OF THE NATION
Vice, Your magazine regrettably glorifies, and even celebrates, some of the most deplorable and base acts of human behavior. The ads are derogatory. Your content without merit. Articles without purpose. Your magazine is full of abuse, as I’m certain is your intent. What are you adding to humanity that the world isn’t already overwhelmed with and why is there intent to promote such waste? Your publication is much too ambitious to spread disease rather than something a little more healthy for the mind. There is no wit or wisdom to offer your young readers and it is sad you stand behind feeding such arrogance and irresponsibility to the public. It is also obvious by your responses to correspondence that you do not take any responsibility for what you copy. I would say, in fact, that you revel in idiocy. KATHLEEN HAY
Via email Kathleen, really, please, and I say this with genuine concern for you: Dust the cobwebs out of your sad, neglected vagina and join the human race. CORRECTION
Jason Sanchez did not write the Horse Fights story that ran a couple of issues back. We mistakenly credited him with it. Vice regrets this error.
Dear Vice, I’m enjoying this schizophrenic conversation you’re having with yourself about “caring.” You seem to want to tell all the impressionable youths that it’s cool to care about social issues, but only from a properly ironic distance. You’re trying to walk a really thin line. I don’t think it’s working though. Take your article about horse fighting in the Philippines. Am I supposed to call somebody to stop them? Am I supposed to enjoy the rawkin’ photos? Both, somehow? Your newfound environmentalism is similar. Here’s my take: Environmentalism is important, but the only cool way I can engage with it is by making fun of the hippies who started it. Again, am I supposed to get off my ass and do something? Even the DOs and DON’Ts are getting conflicted—half the time they celebrate twenty-somethings for dressing like five-year-olds, and the other half is spent cursing them for not growing up and getting a life. I understand, at the end of the day you’re a business and you stay in existence by selling cool shit for the Vice-branded lifestyle. You seem to be having some angst about this, though. My unbidden advice? Pick an issue, then shit or get off the pot. Last month a reader wrote, “You know what is cool? Giving a shit and trying.” He’s wrong—it’s really not possible to give a shit and look cool, because cool is primarily based on not giving a shit. But maybe we don’t have to be cool all the time? JC DWYER
Laredo, TX OK, Mr. Conflicted, and here’s some advice for you: Chill the fuck out, you fucking overwrought freak. Do you spend so much time every morning trying to decide whether or not it’s time to take a dump that you just end up shitting your pants? SPEED SPOOK
Hey Vice, My roommate is from Costa Rica, and he somehow has found a good hookup and has recently been giving me a lot of what he calls “free, pure, uncut Colombian cocaine.” It’s the best shit I’ve ever had in my life. But honestly, I think it’s weird, because instead of wanting to be social and talk about how deep-sea creatures are cool or something like I usually do when I do normal Canadian (super meth-y) blow, I have developed this weird introverted obsession where I sit alone in my room and go on ghost-sighting websites from all around the world and scare myself by looking at the pictures that people submit and, like, cry. Is that normal? I don’t really think that it is. Are ghosts real, Vice magazine? HALEY COURBET
Montreal, QC, Canada Yes, ghosts are real. And what you are doing is a very valid way to spend your time. We like you. THE FEMININE MISTAKE
Dear Vice, I just wanted to complain on behalf of all the women out here that women suck. If I see one more letter in your Vice Mail section from some whiny-ass pseudo-feminist rich girl I think I may explode. I am so very sick of all these women complaining about how demeaning you are to women and how showing naked girls is a bad thing and that tits are for private use only. I love boobs. I love having them (seriously, they rock, and all you guys out there should go get a pair ’cause you’re missing out), and by God, if some perfect-breasted girl feels like showing ’em off, more power to her. Anyway, have none of these women actually thought about what they have to complain about? Nothing, that’s what. We can vote, we have rights, and having a few naked girls in a magazine isn’t gonna change that. And besides, what kind of guy is attracted to a bitchy, controlling, and very complainy man of a woman? I certainly wouldn’t be. So yeah, I guess the gist of what I’m saying here is that it is high time for women to stop bitching people out and bake some cookies. Chocolate chip would be preferable. Sincerely,
LUCY
Boston, MA We’re with ya, Lucy. Now show us your tits and we’ll give you this string of shiny plastic beads. THE VAMPIRE LESUCK
Dear Vice, Whoever claims Vampire Weekend are lame does not know music. At all. Lyrically. Musically. Songwritingly. Completely superior to everything currently out there—except maybe Times New Viking, but them we won’t count. Just because they’re smarter than you does not give you permission to hate. And yes, I know that’s what you’re doing. It’s obvious here: “…but they literally just copied Graceland into ProTools and added some voices.” That “just” is superfluous. Betta check yo’self ’fo’ you… yeah, you get the picture. JASON
Via Vice.com Just check in with us next year, when you haven’t listened to Vampire Weekend for months and you’re wondering what the fuck you were thinking liking that pussy, pussy band. STATE OF THE NATION
Vice, Your magazine regrettably glorifies, and even celebrates, some of the most deplorable and base acts of human behavior. The ads are derogatory. Your content without merit. Articles without purpose. Your magazine is full of abuse, as I’m certain is your intent. What are you adding to humanity that the world isn’t already overwhelmed with and why is there intent to promote such waste? Your publication is much too ambitious to spread disease rather than something a little more healthy for the mind. There is no wit or wisdom to offer your young readers and it is sad you stand behind feeding such arrogance and irresponsibility to the public. It is also obvious by your responses to correspondence that you do not take any responsibility for what you copy. I would say, in fact, that you revel in idiocy. KATHLEEN HAY
Via email Kathleen, really, please, and I say this with genuine concern for you: Dust the cobwebs out of your sad, neglected vagina and join the human race. CORRECTION
Jason Sanchez did not write the Horse Fights story that ran a couple of issues back. We mistakenly credited him with it. Vice regrets this error.
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