A friend of mine works at a shipping warehouse in Northern Georgia, and for five years now, he’s been telling me stories about an older male coworker who asks him unsolicited questions about his dick—on a daily basis. That’s not the only thing. He’s even offered to blow my friend. Which you would think would irk my friend even a little, but it doesn’t. Instead of a lawsuit, these constant sexual queries turned into a running workplace joke. From the stories that I've heard, I couldn't figure out if this harrasser was actually a closeted gay man, a weird freak, or someone with deep mental problems. So, in an effort to get to the bottom of this of this man-on-man abuse, I called my friend up to ask him some questions about his bepenised harasser.
VICE: How did this odd situation with your coworker begin? When did he decide it was OK to talk to you the way he does?
My Friend: As soon as I started working with him. He was showing me the ins and outs of my everyday responsibilities at work when I first started that job, so I spent a lot of alone time with him. He wasn't the least bit shy about asking me intimate details concerning the length and girth of my dick within the first couple of weeks of working there. Some friends got me the job so I had heard stories about the things he said, but didn’t know how far he would take it with me.
What kinds of things does he say to you, and how often?
On a daily basis I hear some variation of, "Can I suck your dick?” or, “Can I go down on you?" or, "When was the last time I sucked your dick/went down on you?" That last one is one of my favorites. Some classics that are used less frequently or he has completely retired are: “Have you ever fucked a three-headed chicken before?” “I’ll go down on you like an Alabama chicken.” He used to describe having sex with sheep next to edges of cliffs where if you attempted to nudge the sheep over the ledge, it would buck back and fuck you rhythmically. Sometimes the dick sucking comments are made after someone has made him upset and the sucking the guilty party’s dick is the only way to get retribution. But at least ten times a day he'll mention putting my dick in his mouth. The moment I walk in the door at work he stares at my cock until I pass… every day. One time he poured half of a vanilla yogurt container on his face, got within a couple inches of my face and asked me if he was gay.
But he doesn't claim to be gay, right? He's married with children?
I firmly believe he is not actually gay. In fact, he has discussed his disapproval of that lifestyle in length to me. Of course, he then continued to dry-hump me as I tried to finish my work. He is married and has a five-year-old son and a 13-year-old daughter. Not that having a family means you're not gay.
You told me before that sometimes he’ll just repeat your name over and over?
He's said my name repeatedly for three minutes straight before. He does this with everyone. There have been days where he's said everyone's name who is in proximity dozens of times, one name after the other.
Does it ever become physical?
He’s grabbed my junk a couple of times and if he has the opportunity, will drop to his knees and mime blowing me.
Don’t your other coworkers notice? Has anyone at the job ever been like, “Dude, this is weird,” or, “Hey I don’t like this.”
I've been surprised about how indiscreetly he'll talk about this stuff while other—even female—coworkers are around. He saves the extreme graphic stuff for a select few. There have been complaints about him in the past usually involving some kind of harassment or issues with his erratic and often cruel behavior. I've heard, "He's an asshole," from nearly everyone in the office at some point. The guy works really goddamn hard though and is very good at his job and that has maybe saved him from being fired.
How does him saying these things make you feel? Has that changed over time?
It’s never bothered me. I know he’s just a weird dude and doesn’t really have any interest in sucking mine or anyone else’s dick. I always find myself giggling at his comments, despite having heard the same dick sucking talk for almost six years. It's become this weird yet wonderful part of my day.
Who is this guy exactly? I mean, what do you know about his life?
He’s a self-proclaimed hillbilly with one of the thickest southern accents I ever heard. He wears camo regularly and chews tobacco all day, spewing brown fountains from his mouth into trash cans throughout his work area.
He’s huge. He doesn’t discriminate against food and consumes massive quantities of cold beer. On more than one occasion I have seen him eat half a birthday cake for lunch, sandwiches with cheese, peanut butter, and cold mashed potatoes. He'll even get down with room-temperature condensed soup that he drinks straight out of the can.
He grew up in Georgia in a small, rural town with three other siblings and lived in Section 8 housing. His mother, a 350 pound diabetic who has been unemployed for most of her life, sometimes picking collard greens on a nearby farm. His father worked construction and odd jobs to support the family. The only Christmas present he ever remembers getting was a toy fire truck he received when he was five only to have it confiscated from his father a month later after misbehaving and thrown away. He said the only time he ever played with something that didn’t come from the woods was when he would go over to a friend’s house.
Do you think he gets off on it at all, or is it just totally a joke?
I think he loves making people uncomfortable.
Just another way to pass time at work? With constant dick chatter?
Maybe. He is like a little baby when it comes to needing attention and you definitely garner some kind of attention when you're as extreme and fucked up as this guy is.
Do you have any idea, if he acts this way around his family? You said he has two kids, right?
We had a holiday party last week where a lot of the employees brought their spouses, including this guy. I brought a friend of mine who actually got me the job at this place but quit a couple of years ago. My friend and I sat next to my weird coworker and his wife, and as soon as we sat down, the coworker began to pretend to jerk off my friend while sitting right next to his wife, his hand loudly thudding against the bottom of the table as he fisted up and down. He said he had to make up for lost time and began pumping faster. His wife chuckled. I don't believe he dirty talks in front of his children but he has told me that he jumped to and swung from the penis of an elephant and successfully got it to completion in front his son (he was covered in grey ink when he told me this story). He also coaches his daughter's softball team. One of the other coaches works with us and he's told me that my coworker will ask the other coaches to slip their dicks through the chain link fences that line the softball fields so he can give them a good suckin'.
Do you think he has mental problems? Do you feel sorry for him, or bad for him at all?
I think he might be bipolar. He has pretty wild mood swings and has thrown stuff around the office when he's been mad at me and gotten into my face to tell me he's going to kick my ass. I don't think he is handicapped in anyway though. I don't feel sorry for him at all. He seems perfectly comfortable with himself and I've never seen him do anything that causes serious alarm or anything. He's just a strange redneck who endlessly entertains himself.