New Ways to Have Sex
Buy a pack of corn or flour tortillas. A common misconception is that the larger the tortilla the better the sex—what’s really most important is how much the brand and flavor of the tortillas appeals to you. Spread the tortillas onto a blanket on your bed. Save two tortillas to hold in each hand. Take off your clothes. If you are too excited to find lotion, rub your midsection with saliva instead. Sit on the edge of the tortilla mass. Rub your face with the hand-tortillas until they become soft and sticky (or for as long as this feels good). Gag your mouth with the hand-tortillas. When you feel ready, lie down and grasp the edge of your blanket as you roll towards the opposite end of the tortilla mass, covering yourself completely. The tighter you roll yourself the better this will feel. No matter how tightly you are rolled, it will never feel tight enough, but that’s the idea. Roll back and forth, envisioning the tortillas merging with your skin. Feel your body ache with the impossible tightness of the tortillas. Groaning or yelling “tighter” will remind you of the tortillas in your mouth, which should contribute favorably to your overall sensation of being stuffed. Burrito sex ends once your desire to feel tightness is forgotten, which can take hours or just a few seconds, depending on how long it’s been and how badly you want it.
Mile High Club
When your pilot informs you that cruising altitude has been reached and it’s safe to move around the airplane’s cabin, go to the bathroom alone. Place your dominant hand on the soap-dispensing button. Close your eyes. Feel the smoothness of the button. Feel it with all your fingers. It’s almost unreal, how smooth the button is. Retract your thumb, ring, and pinkie fingers into a fist. Tense your pointer and middle finger muscles. Make your fingers nice and straight for the button. Apply light pressure on the button. Stop just before soap comes out. Feel the tension. Feel the button pushing back on your fingers. The smoothness of the button is unbelievable. And the way it pushes back. It’s unreal. It’s completely unreal. Don’t let soap come out of it yet. Maintain enough pressure so you can flutter your finger back and forth until it’s no longer clear if you’re pushing the button or it’s pushing you. Do this very fast. Do this until you can’t stop yourself from pressing the button as hard as you can.
Let half a stick of butter melt in your mouth. This can take a long time. Try to sit still. It will feel less rewarding if you move even slightly. When the butter feels mostly melted, push your tongue against the harder parts. Make them melt against your cheek. Think about how you are dominating the butter with your tongue. The butter has been making you sit motionlessly as it took its sweet time melting, but now the tables have turned. The butter is very bad. It has been very, very bad. Now you are showing it. Show it how to be good. That’s right. Make it melt the right way. Show it how bad it’s been. You’ve known how bad it’s been all along. Spit it out into a bowl. Microwave it until it boils. Good. Now put the butter bowl in the freezer. Teach it a lesson. Look at it, sitting there on the shelf. Look at how good it thinks it is. While you wait for it to re-solidify, write a strongly but vaguely worded letter to the butter manufacturer. Use words like “thick” and “hungry” and “daddy.”
You can have this kind of sex any time you pass a McDonald’s. Start by slowly tracing the white letters of “McDonald’s” with your eyeballs. You will feel tempted to trace the large singular yellow M of the golden arches, but don’t make the mistake of doing this too early. Pause occasionally at the lowest point of the white M. Feel the pleasure you are giving to the M by pausing, but not to the extent that you become carried away and neglect the other just-as-important letters of “McDonald’s.” Increase the speed of your eyeballs. Focus on the base of the M less frequently but more intensely, making almost angry circles when you reach its intersecting lines. Gradually incorporate the golden arches into your tracing. When you can’t take it any longer, allow yourself to stare openly at the lowest point of the M in the golden arches. At this time you should feel your head sink powerfully into your neck and might release some kind of guttural sound. After you have recovered, it is customary to pet the sign by looking at it in its entirety with unfocused eyes, similarly to how you would view a Magic Eye picture, as if the white letters of “McDonald’s” and the golden arches were not separate things.
If you are alone and don’t want to go outside to a real McDonald’s, you can feel a similar kind of satisfaction by browsing Google image searches for “McDonald’s sign,” then using a large bold font to type “M” 150-300 times into the body of an email addressed to some variation of “firstname.lastname@example.org.” Your desire to send this email will dissipate rapidly after typing your final “M.”
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