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      Christmas in the Can

      December 21, 2011
      From the column 'Pen Pals'

      2011-12-21-104100
      These photos are of a holiday card one of Bert's friends received while in the clink-clink

      There are certain things that make prison even worse than the average jackass can imagine, and Christmas is one of them. It's probably the best holiday (other than my birthday) so being deprived of it in jail hurts the most. Xmas is family time and it makes inmates depressed messes, bitter that we can't be with our loved ones (and can't get drunk). Even if we have no loved ones or have disgraced our family name, we still have the holiday spirit bullshit-ass sentimentality ingrained in us, feeling obligated to embody the Xmas cheer during this most glorious time of the year. But we are locked in prison with kibbles n' bits. Let me try to describe an Xmas in jail.

      There are two philosophical approaches to Christmastime in prison. The first is to celebrate it and act like the guys in there with you are family, and the second, which I prefer, is to try my hardest to pretend the day doesn't even exist. In general, the easiest way for me to do a jail bid is to ignore the real world as much as possible. Possibly the most difficult part of having a girl is the constant reminders of everything I am missing out on, ie "pussy soufflé," "mouthpussy," female anus, etc. Historically, prison time has gone the quickest for me when I have absolutely no one out there to pine for and I just mind my own business, never reading newspapers or magazines or watching TV. My only outside contact was talking to family once a week and sports gambling.

      The holidays make time drag. People on the outside get very depressed, too, 'cause they miss us. I would call home, hear my folks choke up and be reminded that I am kind of ruining the holidays for my parents. Also, I get to talk to Grandma, who doesn't know I'm locked up. She just thinks I'm an inexplicable asshole who has bailed on showing up for family Xmas five years going for no good stinkin' reason. I tell her about my fake job, living with my girlfriend, and the reasons I don't believe in having a cell phone.

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      Xmas is just another excuse to feel lonely. Eventually, we become accustomed to prison-bidding, but in reality, every day in jail is asscheeks. Every once in a while I get to hear some cock-nose on the street prattle on about THAT NIGHT he spent in jail and how the cuffs were too tight and the cops were total fascists while quietly listening, thinking to myself, "This baby-dick cokehead is actually not that wrong… even one minute in prison beyond blows." Anyone has the right to gripe about being locked up over dumb shit, but try to imagine being behind bars, stranded, on Xmas. Even if you're a complete piece of shit and you raped Grandmas on your Meals on Wheels route, Xmas still sucks because you think about the unfulfilled expectations and ceaselessly wonder that could have been.

      I tried my bestest to sit back and imaginate that those five Xmases spent stuck in the clink-clink didn't exist, and truthfully, other than the phone call home, they weren't much worse than any other day. There are a bunch of inmates who love to celebrate Xmas faux-lavishly and embrace their fellow convicts with brotherly love to the max. They use the holiday as an excuse to have fun basically, and I reckon that's OK, it just makes me miss the outside more. They try to make a fancy Xmas dinner in the microwave at 4 AM so they don't have to fight for the microwave during the day. Maybe they'll take drugs, or drink a specially prepared batch of holiday hooch, whereas I just think about getting free and beat my dick rapaciously.

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      If I had my choice, I'd just read Extreme Anal Latin Grannies, Buttman, BlackAss, and all my other smut periodicals all day every day (preferably with no Xmas theme) whether I'm in jail or free. I sent some jail buddies some porn and some money orders for Xmas. I asked them to take some click-clicks for me so I can show them to some bonerabelles in my rehab. Rehab chicks are open to writing inmates, plus I'm trying to get my Pen Pal (newly released inmate escort) service going. What's a better Xmas present for a broad than some Pristine Prison Cock? Dudes in jail like nothing more than getting a present or a reminder from the outside that somebody loves them (or even knows them). Chicks in jail enjoy a cheesy little gift even more. Here I am complaining about how shitty Xmas in prison is for me, but imagine how much shittier everything is in prison for a female (except for the gay sex).

      My PO is letting me fly to the West Coast to see my family this Xmas, and I'm pretty excited to sit down with 92-year-old Grandma and explain that I'm not an inexplicable asshole in the way she thought I was, but rather I've just been in jail feeling very shameful about missing special holiday family time with her. I get to pay my poor family back by purchasing gifts with welfare money the government owes us. I'll play some golf in Arizona so I can feel like I'm living the American Dream. I might even bathe in some egg nog or some other silly Xmas shit that I've taken for granted. Now that I’m free, I think it's of the most bonerable importance to fully embrace Madame Holiday and milk that saucy hooker for all she's worth.

      Previously - Will Fuck for Food

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