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      Don’t Stick Dominoes in Your Dick

      March 22, 2013
      From the column 'Pen Pals'


      Photo via Flickr user barryskeates

      I think when most regular citizens imagine a guy going to jail, they figure that the convict will have to do something stupid to prove his mettle to all the gangsters in there. Usually this scenario involves some thirsty new jack wanting to earn his stripes with the Bloods, Crips, Latin Kings, or Aryan Brotherhood by accepting an assignment to cut or stab some rival. In my years in lockup, I saw this a few times, although it was nowhere near as prevalent as one might think. What I did see was a little more shocking.

      Prison gangs are somewhat secretive ‘cause you never know who a snitch is, and the authorities frown upon gangs and can discipline someone for being affiliated with one. In New York prisons, the Bloods are public enemy number one, and the pork chops go after them aggressively and punish them as scapegoats for everything that goes wrong. The Latin Kings are historically a Puerto Rican gang, although the lines have blurred in the past decade from what I’ve witnessed. Many Dominicans—and there are a bunch of them—join a gang called the Trinitarios.

      For some reason, I am still unable to ascertain, the Trinitarios like to get together in the bathroom and puncture their penises with a little slice and then insert an implant. From what I hear, usually they break off a piece of a domino and insert it up under the foreskin area, or sometimes down closer to the base. In theory, this gruesome procedure is supposed to increase sexual performance, but we always ridicule these fellows, ’cause none of us are gettin’ in that pretty puss-hole in the clink-clink. Truthfully, I’m not sure what good this implant would do. Maybe it’s just an excuse to put another man’s bicho in your hand and jam a foreign object into it?

      Supposedly, it’s a macho thing. Dominicans are known for packing healthy packages in their drawers, and possibly enhancing their girth gives them higher social standing. It is rumored (although never seen) that some of these dudes can pack a whole domino piece in their joint. So the bigger the bicho, the bigger the implant—I guess it’s an intimidation thing, like I’m supposed to be scared of some dude with a big square dick.

      After googling around for info on this phenomenon, I learned that some men are getting sick from this practice, so it’s only a matter of time before dudes in jail get handed a pamphlet detailing the dangers or Improvisational Dick Implant Devices (IDID). If you ask for my opinion, I say it’s completely safe—I don’t see how slicing the bicho with a razor and letting your homeboys stuff some random plastic items in there could possibly be unsafe.

      It turns out that through some freaky, mystical coincidence, Dominican jailbirds aren’t the only criminals to fool around with their dicks—they may have been inspired, in fact, by the Yakuza art of penis pearling, and oh shit, do not click that link. The more I think about it the more these practices make sense. When I’m in jail, I tend to pull, yank, and tug on my bicho to an extent that makes me ashamed of my own rapacious hands. By the balls of Baby Jesus, if I ever had to spend more time in the slamma-jamma I think I might consider mutilating my cock… You gotta pass the time somehow, I guess, even if that means enhancing your buddies’ cocks with subdermal decorations.

      I’ve been friends with a few fellas who found it fit to jam a domino in their ding-dong, and none of their reasoning has been in any way logical to me, but I guess that’s the nonsensical beauty of prison. Whether a Trinitario wants to play the fake implant game, or a Blood wants to cut an unsuspecting herb, or an Aryan wants you to “make your bones” by murdering a random mark, dudes in prison do a lot of dumb shit for reasons that might never be fully understood. And maybe somewhere down the line, the fancy-pants body-modification crowd will get hip to the penile implantation trend and start getting surgery to jam all kinds of stuff in their dicks. Me? I just do Kegels.

      Bert Burykill is the pseudonym of our prison correspondent, who has spent time in a number of prisons in New York State. He tweets here

      Previously: Home Is Where the Prison Is

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      Topics: prison, prison gangs, pen pals, bert burykill, Trinitarios, dominos, amateur surgery, dick implants, body modification, ew

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