Hey There, Lonely Girl
For a long time, I’ve been fascinated by girls in jail. I've been waiting for Lindsay Lohan to get locked up so I can start writing her, but she seems to be putting off the inevitable. I know the inconsolable sadness that comes with doing time behind bars, and I can’t even imagine the emotional distress a needy breed of female would go through locked up in prison. It breaks my heart to think of all the juicy-bootied angels who are caged right now. Go look up some stats on female prisoners if you care, but my number-cruncher intern/cracker-genius hooker says that the babydoll-in-jail population has grown a million percent in the last 30 years. Since females haven't become dramatically more violent all of a sudden, I’ll posit that they’re all in there for drugs, which is unfortunate.
I recently went to this site and searched for bonerable broads behind bars who might possibly enjoy reading letters from a fleshless companion before bedtime. I want them to be in their 20s or 30s and don't really care what their crime is unless it's beating or molesting kids. The first LoveBucket I stumbled upon was Monique Smith, who is an arsonist. I really wanted a Monica ‘cause that sounds like a megabonerable hard-body bitch, but Monique will do. I also found a Chantia (a kidnapper lookin' at 16 years), a Madeleine, and two Stephanies. These sugar-slitted, honey-twatted cock fiends will feel me for sure—I know that during my time down, I constantly yearned for any semblance of correspondence with the opposite sex. Even overweight hillbilly CO broads who smelled like goose shit would get my girth popping against its will till it exploded in the spunkatorium stall. I woulda shit short and hard and then barked twice like a horny dog for a pen pal, especially one named Bertha Burykill. I’m going to send the following introduction letter to five incredible, incarcerated Bonerabellas. I reckon we'll be lucky if just one of these mystical, magical fairytale creatures responds.
I’mma give it to you straight with you no chaser… I like an ass real fat. I ain’t gonna cry if there’s a lil ‘cottage cheese dripping down the creamy thighs. (I wonder if females in prison work out as much as dudes do...) My dick is screaming hard right now. It’s kinda heavy… the blood rushes to my tumescent (Word of the Day—it means “swelling”) tip crazy when I think about a poor girl locked up when she should be experiencing motherhood, freedom, and mucho sex. I hope you work out in there and get real healthy. DO CRAZY CRUNCHES! BE THE CALISTHENICS QUEEN! GET THAT BOMB BODY AND LOCK DOWN SOME AMAZING DICK FOR WHEN YOU’RE FREE! GET THAT FUCKIN’ MONEY, GRRRRL!!
I did more than a few years locked up so I can kinda relate to where you’re at, but I’m really curious what goes on in an incarcerated female’s world. Whenever I had a release date coming without a girl who’d been riding, I was dumb thirsty to spray on every available wet hole the minute I was released. I’m surprised women aren’t lined up at the gate when dudes get sprung.
All jokes aside, I’m really writing you just as a pen pal, I have no plans to ever meet you in the flesh or anything. I’m just down to entertain you, share stories, and be here if you feel like writing and getting some shit off your chest. I can try to make your time a little better if you’re interested. I just looked your name up randomly and I hope you’re down to correspond for awhile.
I can tell you I was locked up for about six years on a couple different drug charges. I used to sell coke, and now I’m out here trying to do the right thing, although it’s never easy. Do you have any family or anyone supporting you while you’re locked up? I pray you do, ‘cause I was lucky enough to have that and it made my time go easier. It breaks my heart to think about a woman all on her own… Basically, I’m down to do what you want me to. Maybe I can send you some old books or pornos or something. I know money goes a long way in prison, and even though I’m broke out here, I’m aware that even $20 can make life easier up top. If you tell me your interests I can print out articles from online or send pictures. Can I send you a picture of my succulent, tasty dick? If not, I’ll just wear real tight briefs (what’s your favorite color?) that accentuate my HOT COCK FUN if you desire. I’m packing a pretty long and strong pipe, FYI. I still kinda have my Upstate body poppin’ off, so hopefully that’ll get your beaver wet, wild, and ready to swim. Maybe you can rub one out while looking at my picture—I’d be honored. I wonder how you look… Do you have a click-click to send? We can keep it 100 percent PG if you like it clean and I can write wholesome stories for you. I can get BIBLICAL WITH IT. I’m a writer, and always looking for an outlet to entertain, especially if you’re bored and/or lonely.
I’ve never been charged with a violent crime, and I’ve always been good to women, so I hope you don’t have any concerns that I’m pulling anything shady here. I’m just willing to be an imaginary friend while you’re locked up in your temporary fantasy world for however much longer you’re stuck. Feel free to share your story of how you got locked up, and how you like to be touched. I know it’s therapeutic to simply share sometimes, especially through writing—you might be surprised when new feelings surface. That’s part of the reason I write. Ask me whatever you want. I’m Silly Putty in your hands. I’m here for you, even if you committed a fucked-up crime. It’s OK. I understand that we all make mistakes and I’ve met enough people Upstate who did something foul, but are still really, deep down inside, good people.
I’ll keep this first letter short, just in case you don’t want a pen pal and I’m wasting your time. Write back quickly and I look forward to sharing details about my life and learning about you. I’m also really interested in how females pass time behind bars. I was in an Upstate county jail with my girlfriend, who was my co-dealer many years ago, and I remember her telling me that her time wasn’t that much different than ours, but I bet it changes from the county jail to the state prison. Although she did kinda make a girlfriend she called Lisa Lickalottapuss who she got intimate with. She made it seem like girls were quick to at least find a snuggle-buddy or someone to shower with. I remember male COs saying that chicks were always hitting on them and flashing their sexy-bits, too. Females get even hornier than dudes sometimes… I barely ever saw any gay shit between dudes up there, but if I was a girl, I know I’d be an ill slut slaying wild SugarLips just to pass the time. Hope I’m not offending you. I’m just writing what my dirty mind manifests.
Write back. I’d like to get this thing going and make a new friend. I’m lonely too, and I want to see some pictures. I hope I can take pics of my dick for your private eyes only…
Luv and Tenderness,
Bert Burykill is the pseudonym of our prison correspondent, who has spent time in a number of prisons in New York State. He tweets here.
Previously on Pen Pals:
Epicly Later'd: Ed Templeton - Part 3
Meeting Earth's Strongest Men at the Top of the World
Welcome to the Bananapocalypse
The Return of Radioactive Man
The VICE Guide to Travel: Miss Camel Beauty Contest
Yakiri Rubio Killed Her Rapist in Self-Defense—Now She May Go to Prison
The VICE Podcast - Akhil Sharma and His New Novel, 'Family Life'
Fire Walk with Me
The Creator of the Greatest Criminal Defense Attorney YouTube Ad Is Also a Battle Rapper
VICE News: Russian Roulette: The Invasion of Ukraine - Part 5