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      Tales from the Jailhouse JizzWizard

      October 12, 2011

      By Jailhouse JizzWizard

      From the column 'Pen Pals'

      wizzard

      Bert Burykill is the pseudonym of our incarcerated correspondent who wishes to remain anonymous because the authorities frown on inmates writing negative stuff about prison. This week, he sent us these ramblings from one of his friends, the Jailhouse JizzWizard.

      What I’m locked up for isn’t important. What is important is that I’m stoned-to-the-bone stroke crazy. I don’t know what other people call me, but I know what I call myself—I am the Jailhouse JizzWizard. I beat dick and shoot sperm and that’s what I do. When I’m in the spunkatorium I’m a jizz-blizzard droppin’ the wintry mix on the permafrost tiles. There are four stalls in my shithouse of a dorm and I get in all four every day at least once or twice to sloppily pop off alongside 40 other dudes doing the same dang thing.

      Do the math: that’s close to 100 nuts a-bustin’ every 24 hours! Think of what could be done with all that spunk. We could feed the protein-deprived starving babies in Africa with all the jails and prisons the US boasts. Think of all the JizzBlasts flashing through the atmosphere in a flurry from dreams of deep-dicking, all the embarrassed forefingers tickling anuses and fists slamming cocks. I bet a lotta prisoners are jerkin’ it country-wide and worldwide as you read these words.

      My cock has learned to love the rough treatment I give him. If I wasn’t doing it to him, someone else would be getting it. Sometimes he runs his mouth, but a few smacks straightens him right the fuck out. He knows what’s good for him so he does what I say. He’s a good bitch. In fact, he’s my only friend. He completes me. I’d be a no good nothing without him. It’s just nice to have someone to squeeze and hold on a cold, blowy night—someone to throttle and pump when my spirits are down.

      On average, I scan porno mags for about six to eight hours a day. I’m really studying the shit scientific-like. I’m wondering how that bitch takes that big ass cracker dick so deep that bubbles come out her nose, why there’s milk coming out that girl’s butthole, and if that bonerable trollop could have been famous for real if she never took that first sniff of that shit and let her butt get stabbed by all those big-dicked predators.

      All the artistic and intricate photography overshadows the print, but there is some highly underrated writing in at least 90 percent of today’s mainstream porn mags. I just received a new copy of Baby Beaver and I’ve been studying the shit. They’ve got a guy in there named Sir Dix-A-Lot and his caption says “I love young sluts and I cannot lie and I love to taste their pie.” I think that’s ingenious on so many levels. It’s a shame that so many people miss out on this fascinating culture. In prison, we study porn.

      The other morning I was reading Latin Granny (Extreme Anus Factory®) when I thought about how dope it would be to bone for money. Some of these bitches are butterfly, too. I know some baaad chicks that probably might could do some freak shit like Latin grannies. I have a camera and an always steady supply of fire cracks for these drug-addicted gutter-buttsluts, so I could get some videos made and get money and more money! Dudes fresh out of jail always make real good pornos, because we’ve been studying so hard. What else are we trained to do in here? I jerk off fantasizing about grandmas and retards, so how turned on will I be by a real freak with her browneye winking at me?

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