My Bloody Valentine
Our prison correspondent Bert wrote these poems. In the tradition of John Donne and R. Kelly, they are mainly about fucking.
My Bloody Valentine
Chicken noodle shit, chicken-dick malt liquor,
Dog-piss limp-spit, quick flicker tongue trigger.
Once you swallowed, and now you’re a spitter
So I know that means you’ll always be a quitter.
Valentine’s Day makes me feel gay.
Anyway you play it, the man goin’ pay it…
In the ass or with the cash-
I’m Dumb but I do the math
Gooder than a MotherFucker.
Fine dining supplies free butter
With garlic herb Fluffer-Nutter--
After dinner call me Buffer-Slutter.
Special night or prostitute delight?
Play with Myself or delay my Wealth?
Eat Pussies, baby Cookies so good for Health,
While Hallmark snipes Wallets with stealth.
Strong legs, baby Long legs make You beg,
Strangulation From the Back gets me cred,
While I give her goodlongtyme head.
I’m the gerbil, a disturbed Pet.
Nibble fingers, nimble fingers make winners,
Expensive dinners fit for thin sinners,
But fat bitches taste richest Delicious
Stuffed with cheesy knishes dishes.
Never licked butt so Vicious,
Valentine’s Day is so viscous.
Take a dump Cumulus Nimbus.
Drop Cosmic Slop like Dick Pimpus.
Latin, Greek, or Geek all got Kingpins
Cheekin’ deep in the Hamptons.
Getting live like Peter Frampton,
Tellin’ lies, rub her thighs crampin’,
On a date campin’ like a Champion
With a companion not with standing,
Cuz she drank too much Champagne.
I’m rappin’ to a sanitary napkin
Cuz my Bloody Valentine Sucks rhymes
Outta my Dick lacquered in red slime.
From time to time the obscene dream
Makes panty-cream, and penis long-lean
And mean, devastating come creating,
Long fellating, longtyme elating,
Valentine’s Day promises longtime mating.
I’m thinking 1992 prom-dating,
Cherry smearing, not Money disappearing,
But Love Fun is more endearing
Than Tongues between Buns cheering.
In the stands the fans jam
Psychedelic pussy fur on the zoom cam-
Price to Pay for bein’ a Damn Poon Man.
The butt pup Begs for the tubesteak to erupt
From sloppy Head, to fulfill fantasies
Of the Disease of being Loved,
Or feeling the appealing of getting Shoved
Down from the ceiling while she’s kneelin’…
Diggin’ in the sheets like a chubby grub,
Needing the feeding of more cuddly back-rub,
Coconut oil never spoils in my bath tub-
Biting on my back playing the baby cub,
Never felt so attached since the baby Love.
I’m the Mouth and she’s everlasting Nipple,
My Bloody Valentine shouldn’t be so simple.
Dizzle dribbles on dimples makes pretty pimples-
Drizzle spittle in shitholes and take mental
Pictures, the next time she Shakes takes brain rentals.
If I were a Dyke I’d never dam dentals
Cuz I wanna Taste the cooze peruse sentimental…
The bloody Brain Stain Drips a gift to uplift,
To be cherished and Sniffed on the sheets ripped,
From not enough Dick being Dipped between Lips.
Love can be an ungrateful Bitch unequipped
To take a Lust Trip on the big bust bus flipped
To Fuck like a Truck after I blast her with a 96.
I’d be so Rich like topsoil but the cops foiled
Plans to be the Man, dick in hand hard-boiled.
I hate-fuck a poem down to the size of a gnome
Belittled with pervy riddles the muffaloes roam…
After a Bloody Fuck my Dick’s Mucked with foam.
Show me some Love and Swallow me Bloody Bone.
BabyButtFreak, Go to Sleep
Shut the fuck up, go away and go to sleep.
Bert don’t wanna hear another peep.
How many times I gotta letchu kno?
I’m a good fucker but jus’ another Creep.
I’m a Good Fucker but jus’ another creep.
You could see me on the sidewalk
With a baby and a piece of chalk
And all you’d see is another Hard Cock,
Prepared to Poke, but I don’t wanna Talk.
Take five dollars and go buy a Pepsi,
You fuckin’ Lucky you wake up so Sexy.
I know you’re there waitin’, so don’t text me,
Go to sleep, it’s just this inexplicable flexing...
I’ll love you till the day I die
But when I die I’m goin’ get high,
Commit homicide between teen thighs.
Old men pay for pussy, pretty Valentine.
75 years old stickin’ it to a ho 18,
Named Coco stinkin’ like a Hobo,
Misted Summer’s Eve to make her smell clean…
Hooker is such an exquisite machine.
With a prerequisite to make an old man Cream.
You know I’ll Love you till the day you Die…
You know how many more times you’ll have to cry?
When I Puke I think of You so true…
What you looked like sobbing in pre-school.
I’m the vet of all regrets and I’m your best bet yet.
Love’s a drug smuggled in a Sphincterette.
I promise to give all the humps you can get
And never ever let the Puss-Puss get too wetty-wet...
On Valentine’s Day my Dicky-dick can never get too red
And I’m sorry there were no rose petals on the bed.
Previously -Jailhouse Rap
Cheers to the Revolution: Kiev's Beautiful Molotov Cocktails
VICE Shorts: I'm Short, Not Stupid Presents: 'How to Keep Smoking'
LA Banned Smoking E-Cigarettes in Public Places
The Ass Menagerie
VICE News: Investigating an Unsolved KKK Murder in the Deep South
Meet the New Generation of British Nudists
Dangerous Unhappy Things: A True Ghost Story
Meet the Nieratkos: Thomas Campbell Made a Skate Video That’s Actually Worth Watching
Sculpting Nudes in a New York Night Club