Shit Dudes in Prison Say

Some wild shit popped off this week. We had some sassy black broad CO working, and us unruly inmates butted heads with her. She shut off our TV and microwave because dudes were being rude to her—they were hassling her, admittedly, but she also sucks dick and has definitely been the recipient of many a Cleveland steampile to the face. My crazy schizo neighbor from cube 12 wasn’t feeling her attitude so he decided to get butt nekkid in front of her before scampering into the shower. Once he got out of the shower, he was cuffed and taken out with animalistic shouts ringing out from the other inmates: “How you like that LONNG DICK?” “See what you made him do?” “You goin’ learn TODAY!” I guess the guy’s name is Henry, because everyone kept chanting, “Henry, Henry, Henry!” Just like he’s a jailhouse Rudy. I shed a tear… out of my dick.

Dudes say the most stupefying things in jail. I don’t know what it is—maybe in certain communities this is everyday shit, and I’m just really not accustomed to this way of life. Maybe it’s the fact that we have 46 dudes stuffed in a room and we’re simply fuckin’ bored. There is a breed of dude who just makes shit up about the Prada shoes, the Mercedes, the gold-plated condom, the bad bitch with two pussies and no butthole… just outlandishness. Some circles of people call this “Hummer-stuntin’” but I don’t think people even brag about Hummers anymore—it’s all Maybachs and Lambos or whatever else the newest brainwash-face rapper propagates. The irony is that it’s usually the clowns that brag about all this lavishness that have zilch on their books and beg you for a Ramen soup (aka crackhead soup).

This same breed of jerkoff will be missing his two front teeth looking like an anorexic crack baby survivor but vehemently deny any involvement in drugs. In some cultures, it is looked down upon to use any drugs besides weed and alcohol. It’s high comedy to hear these retards deny using drugs and only admit being addicted to the lifestyle. They only dig on fast money, fast cars, and fast women. One toothless toothpick fiend explained to me that he was only addicted to Barcardi and “dead white men on green paper.” I guess your teeth must have smoked themselves, huh champ?

By far, the most disrespected group of convict is “the Mexicans.” Oddly enough, there aren’t that many Mexicans in here—of the 45 dudes in my dorm, there are about ten “Mexicans,” and only one of them is actually Mexican (and, honestly, he acts like a white guy). The others are all Ecuadorian, Guatemalan, Salvadorean, Honduran, Colombian, or Bolivian. It’s still sorta funny to hear them get called “Mexicans” in a disparaging manner every day. They don’t give a fuck, though, they’re a friendly lot for the most part. Lots of them are munchkin small and really ugly, but I ain’t mad at ‘em. As a supposedly educated white guy, I was taught it was PC to call Hispanic folks Latinos or some shit, but jail folk call all Puerto Ricans, Dominicans, and so on “Spanish,” and they don’t seem to get offended. I guess none of them have ever even heard of a Liberal Arts Education.

It is jaw-dropping how many times a day I hear the word nigga. I could write a book on that word alone. It doesn’t matter where you’re from or what color you are, it’s constantly “Yo! My nigga, yo, the nigga hit a nigga in the face with the other nigga’s nigga’s banger, my nigga, for real, my nigga.” It gets kinda obscene. The more times you say nigga, the more street you are, maybe, I don’t know. I get called a nigga all the time, but I refrain from the word ‘cause most white guys sound stupid saying it, and certain OTs (old-timers) or dudes who lived in the South get offended. I’m not trying to offend people, so I say cracker and honky til my lips turn black.

As I write this on my top bunk, these jackasses are smoking green beans next to me, blowing the smoke in the exhaust vents. I dried some orange peels and jalapenos for my brain-dead buddy to sniff. He sniffed a huge line and hated it, but then these dummies wanted to smoke it. They said it tastes like KZ. I guess that sounds good. We have a true comedian in here who tells amazing stories and makes up Don King-esque prison words. My favorite is, “I was sweating profuciously.” Another of his jokes is that white people say, “I’m going to take a shower,” whereas heads from the hood say, “I’m going to wash my ass.”

All the younger kids use these words that my old ass doesn’t know. Basically, where we used to say, “That shit’s dope,” now they have words like, “wavy,” “crack,” “HAM,” and “flava.” Another popular term seems to be “That shit’s lit.” Everything is “lit.” Some rapper probably said it. It’s kinda like a chicken-or-egg scenario: Who said it first, some dude in jail or some rapper?

Bert Burykill is the pseudonym of our prison correspondent, who is currently serving time in a prison in New York. When he's not in jail he tweets here. Previously on Pen Pals:

Lockup Crackup

Depressed Mess

Meet the Neighbors