Photo via Politico
The G in ‘GOP’ does not stand for gay (though it does stand for ‘grand,’ which in and of itself is pretty gay). In fact, gay Republicans are probably some of the most hated people on the political spectrum. Most gay activists think they are traitors to the cause, while staunch party leaders like Santorum view their gay delegates as most gay people view santorum (in the poop and lube sense): a vile inevitability that you have to deal with but will never embrace.
So, why would anyone want to pretend to be a member of the gay Republican caucus (another really gay word)? To get laid, of course! Here's how.
THERE ARE PARTIES
Sure, just about every affiliate group is having some sort of shindig to celebrate their inclusion into the rich white people's party, but the one for gays sounds really fun. GOProud, a group for gay Republicans, threw what sounds like a great bash. According to the Washington Blade, the party had booze, dancing, some talk about Andrew Breitbart (snooze), and strippers. Yes, strippers. If you were a gay dude on the prowl, you could just put on a pair of khakis and tell the guy at the door that you built them, and you’d be in. Once inside, you’d wait until the boys were liquored up and horny from touching toned torsos littered with dollar bills, and every butthole at the party would be yours for the taking.
THERE IS CRAIGSLIST
Just search ‘RNC’ on Craigslist and you’ll find dozens of ads from gay guys looking to hit some of that sweet out-of-town Republican tail. You can get a Discrete Blow 'N' Go, some Thick Chocolate 4 R N C, or, my favorite, NYPD cop looking some GOP / RNC friends. A hot gay New York cop! You can't even score one of those in Manhattan, but with an elephant pin and a condom, you're good to go! All you have to do is keep a straight face while saying you voted for John McCain in the last election and he'll toss your salad faster than Paul Ryan will decimate Medicare.
THERE IS CONVERSION THERAPY
Contrary to popular belief, straight penises can have fun at the RNC too. As we all know, Republican women aren't really known for putting out, but there is one way to trick them: let them think that they are doing God's work by curing you of your homosexuality. Get yourself into one of the cool parties sponsored by something like pharmaceuticals or the tobacco industry, because that's where the hot girls will be (and who doesn't want pills or smokes in the swag bag). Tell her you've been struggling with your feelings for men and have been going to meetings at your church to try to get rid of them, but you need some help making that final leap. Tell her she's the first woman you've ever been really attracted to and she'll be dropping her panties like that one slutty Palin daughter. Congratulations, you just scored some hot, barely-used pussy. Just make sure that if she starts talking about promise rings, you tell her Aaron Schock is the man you want to devote the rest of your life to.
THERE IS HATE FUCKING
It seems counterintuitive, but all gays want to suck the logs of the Log Cabin Republicans. There are those super liberal gay activists who want to hate fuck the Ayn Rand right out of them, and then there are those slightly self-loathing gays who have that same little bit of hatred in their hearts as well. To them, the gay Republicans are more masculine and unattainable because they are outside the tank-top wearing masses of the gay mainstream. Pretending you’re with the GOP will make you infinitely more desirable. Why not lie and say you're for states’ rights and hunting with machine guns if it's gonna get you some tail? Trust me, after you give that pro-lifer a facial you’ll agree it was worth it.
THERE ARE CLOSET CASES
Larry Craig, Mark Foley, and Ed Schrock are just three of the Republican Congressmen that we have discovered to like penises, but you can be sure there are others. Imagine all the latent homosexuals trying to hide their true feelings underneath baggy suits and bad shoes at that convention. It is swarming with DL dick, I tell you. If you pose as a gay Republican you're going to score at least one of them. They all want to go on a mustache ride, but they want someone they think is going to be discreet and not share their secret. Make them think that's you! It's especially easy if alcohol is involved. Then take a few cell phone pictures of the two of you doing it and sell them to a news outlet (like this one!). Prostitutes figured it out a long time ago—getting off and making cash at the same time is a no-brainer.
Also by VICE Penis Expert Brian Moylan: