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      Is the Royal Fetus Going to Be a Good Monarch?

      December 4, 2012
      From the column 'Question of the Day'

      So apparently one of the dudes who pretends to run England stuck his cock inside his wife’s vagina until stuff came out and then his wife got knocked up and now she’s going to shoot a little person out her vagina in nine months. This is big fucking deal and everyone is going, “WHOA did that famous lady really get pregnant? I’m going to search for it on the internet!” Already there have been breathless stories about Kate Middleton (the famous lady who had sex with the famous dude until she got pregnant) going to the hospital for nausea, and maybe having twins. In America this news doesn’t affect us, since we threw off the yoke of royal oppression so we wouldn’t have to be fake-ruled by the people who occasionally dress as Nazis at parties. But still, we wondered if this human being growing inside of the famous uterus would be a good fake monarch, so we asked some Americans about it.

      Matteo, works in real estate: Oh my God, what a question. Is she pregnant?

      Yes.
      See, I didn’t even know that. Who knows? I think maybe William would be a great ruler. He’s not even born yet, maybe it’s going be a girl or boy. Let’s say yes! Why not?

      What makes you say yes?
      Oh, I like William and I think she’s pretty nice too so it’ll be some good parenting.

      Neal, bakery owner: No. But, I think he’d be a great pencil if he was sharpened.

      I'll have what's he's having! Wait, are we doing a bit?

      Etienne, student: With the right guidelines in life I think he or she will be. 

      Will he or she rule the world?
      The world? No, I think we’re over that phase.

      Do you care about the baby being born?
      It is something to know and have some type of knowledge on, but nothing I would focus on, that’s for sure. Well, good luck to them.

      Greg, theatre technician: No.

      Really? Why not?
      They’re probably going to take advantage of their riches and get in trouble like Bush’s daughters.

      Do you care about this whole thing?
      No, I just hope they don’t become an asshole.

      Understandable.

      Eric, artist: I’m not sure that the ruler of England has much to do but hang out, so I kind of think if all they have to do is hang out it’s probably not going be that bad.

      Do you think he or she will be a hardcore partier like Harry?
      I’m sure they’ll have their own personalities. It’s kind of hard to predict. At this point it’s not even at three months. It’s kind of silly, honestly. I heard it's twins.

      Previously: What's Corrupting the Youth of Today?

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      Topics: Question of the Day, Kate Middleton, Kate Middleton's husband whoever that is, sex, babies, there is baby in here now

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