Thief Subdues His Victim with His Penis

Reading about Florida in the news is like hearing a jackhammer outside your window: it ain’t getting better, but it is getting old. I’m beginning to wonder if the reason Florida seems like a failure is a result of diminishing returns on shock value from the disgusting, violent behavior. When residents are assaulted daily by burritos, herpes-infected monkeys, implant-seeking panhandlers, Robin Thicke fans, sharks, and gators, there simply must come a point where a regular smash-n-grab or threat of violence just loses its grit. A hostage situation in Montana will make national headlines; but in Florida, somebody better be nude, in clown makeup, brandishing a trident, and high from huffing Axe body spray all day, otherwise it’s going into the back pages of the local police blotter under “minor disturbance.” Should we be really surprised that a Miami robber slapped a woman upside the head with his dick because she had no money?

On Tuesday night, a run-of-the-mill home invasion took place somewhere between Miami Intl Airport and Miami Beach, according to the City of Miami Police Department. Two masked men, carrying two big guns entered the 18th Ave home after the female victim’s 62-year-old father-in-law answered a knock at the back door around 3AM. After forcing their way in, they searched the furniture for money, and not finding any, continued through the house to the sleeping 31-year-old victim’s bedroom. One of the masked men kicked in the door and put a gun to her head, demanding, “Bitch, where is the money?” The woman reportedly said to the attacker, “I don’t have no money!”

In response, the man reached out and pulled down her shirt, whipped out his dick, and “cold cocked” her—repeatedly slapping her in the face and chest with it, yelling, “Bitch, give me the money!” Somehow his interrogation technique failed, and the men left, taking two $600 TVs with them. (We assume he also icepacked his sore johnson during the uncomfortably quiet ride back with his buddy.)

In a statement to the police, the victim could not describe the men because they were wearing masks and gloves, neglecting to give even the race of the assailant or the assault weapon. Yes, it's fun to imagine him as a gangly redhead with an Irish accent, but seriously, at the very least can she could recall what color dick was being slapped on and around her eyes. It could help get these men arrested for breaking-and-entering, theft, and some nondescript level of sexual assault? Although—technically—in Florida, all assault is sexual assault because everybody in Florida is a dick (hey-yo!).

Although striking someone in the face with your dick sounds like a serious violation of boundaries, not to mention definitely sexual assault, perhaps the would-be “turkey slapper” would’ve done better in the Netherlands, where “Swaffelen” or “swinging penis” is considered more of a practical joke than an illegal crime, and the striking area is open to interpretation, however when done on a person, it’s usually in the face with a semi-erect penis.

Miami police are still looking for the suspects, who we assume are just some homesick and broke Dutch pornstars.

@jules_su