Illustrations by Andrew Rae
Who planned the British monarchy’s latest royal wedding? Guido Fawkes? Over the May Day weekend – a time most Londoners under 30 traditionally spend smashing bank windows – Prince William and Kate Middleton walked down the aisle in the center of a city currently in the grips of both an anarchist fad and race riots, and, just to help grease the wheels of mayhem, the entire alcoholic nation was given a four-day weekend to dig themselves into a mass grave of chemical unrest before being beckoned out into the sun to join a wedding party.
At wedding receptions in the UK, flying fists are as regular as cake and sulking girlfriends, and true to form the prospect of regal conjugals had maniacs across Britain fighting to flaunt their own brand of madness the loudest. It was a perfect storm of bigotry, conspiracy, manic religion, and sex on tape, and we weren’t going to pass up the opportunity to stick cameras in those maniacs’ faces. The result is our documentary, Royal Wedding. Let’s meet its guileless cast.
THE KNIGHTS TEMPLAR
You know the gallant, humble knight at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade? Well Paul Raye, founder of the nationalist, right wing English Defence League, is just like him, except his crusades involve less epic battles against the Byzantine hoards and more drunken flag waving in small towns you won’t have heard of. The self-proclaimed “Lionheart of England” lives in exile in Malta now, where he and his supremacist friends strut around dressed in white hoodies like the Walmart KKK. He claims he moved there because of all the Islamic bastards imposing Sharia Law on Londinistan, but rumor has it he skipped town after the EDL threw him out for being too extreme. Don’t call it a tourist trap – to Paul, this wedding’s the most important thing to happen to Britain in 2,000 years.
TELEVISION X
I thought high-concept porn was dead. I thought grainy cellphone footage of tag-team teenage blowjobs had cast costumes, scripts and soft-focus into the spermy tissue heap of history – but I was wrong. Television X have a dream. They have a dream that involves getting “Whitezilla,” the man with the biggest Caucasian cock in the business, and an actress with three ‘x’s in her surname to dress up as the royal couple and bone each other and other members of the royal family in a castle. If you liked The King’s Speech, you’ll love A Royal Romp. Four stars.
RELIGIOUS EXTREMISTS
You know who really wouldn’t enjoy a porno based around the Royal Wedding? Anjem Choudary and his organization, Muslims4UK. Anjem’s everything Paul Raye thinks Muslims are: Smug, dangerously educated sociopaths who reckon Kate Middleton is a slut. Over dinner, Anjem told us he’s going to cut off the Queen’s head the minute Sharia Law’s imposed in the UK, but for now, he’s just up for burning some flags in front of crying children waiting to see a princess and angry racists desperate to prove their allegiance to the fakin’ King!
NICE OLD LADIES
Some time ago, some Don Draper in a top hat with a pipe realized that old British ladies loved weddings almost as much as tea. He stuck the faces of a royal couple on a teapot, and in that moment an industry was born, flogging porcelain crap to women like Margaret Taylor, the biggest collector of Royal memorabilia on the planet. When we told her that some Britons might not think the wedding was the culmination of everything good and pure in the world, she looked like someone had shat in her Victorian tea urn. Perhaps if Anjem could see her sad eyes, he’d refrain from executing her heroes.
WEST LONDON SOCIALITES
To your average hooligan in a plastic St. George bowler hat throwing up on his own dog as the royal carriage regally breezes past down The Mall, Kate Middleton may seem like a nice, posh girl. Well, he’s wrong – thanks to Britain’s ironclad class system, Kate will be their first middle class Queen. For her peers, the engagement was a Rosa Parks moment, opening the doors of Buckingham Palace for the nouveau riche billionaires who’ve craved aristocratic credibility for years. Or at least that’s what they thought before William chose not to invite any of them. Now they all hate him and his receding gums and who does she think she’s kidding with those fugly thighs anyway?
ANARCHISTS
Not all the anarchists in London are black bloc guys who smash up shop windows and listen to crusty techno. There are other, older anarchists who are more Monty Python than Baader-Meinhof: Baby boomers giggling about huge medieval phalluses and the big orgy they’re gonna have in the street. As the police struggle to tell one gang of militant children from the other, it’s probable that neither side will achieve any of their goals and they’ll all be truncheoned in a big pit until the anarchy dribbles out of them in amorphous streams of brown.
CONSPIRACISTS
The police are, of course, fighting a losing battle here. No matter how many people they arrest, they won’t stop Satan and the impending apocalypse this wedding is heralding. Call her nuts, but “internet academic” Dr. Joye Pugh has noticed that Prince William looks almost exactly like Jesus. Call her mad, but she’s proven that Hitler had perfected cloning and drew Christ’s DNA from the Turin Shroud. Call her cray cray, but her research proves that Prince William is the clone of Jesus imbued with the soul of Lucifer and that this marriage has something to do with him announcing himself as our Satanic ruler at the opening ceremony of the London Olympic games in 2012. So enjoy your four days off Britain, cheer the balding Morning Star and his damned bride, Hell on Earth is round the corner, and your miniature Union Jacks won’t save you once the ground is melting away beneath your heathen feet.