Rating: 8
Smashpictures.com For starters, I would’ve hoped that a porno remake of Halloween would’ve at least had the decency to incorporate the word wiener into the title. I understand that porn parodies are big money these days, but I’m asking for just a little bit of effort in keeping the fun-loving tradition of naming dirty movies alive. Jamaican Me Horny, anyone? I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but each year my family and I dress in our Halloween costumes to go take our photos with Santa Claus for a Christmas card. That’s our thing. I’m not even a big Halloween dork. I didn’t get married in a barn with all my guests in costumes. I don’t orchestrate some elaborate small-town Tim Burton performance play on my front lawn. Hell, I don’t even decorate my house. I could give a shit about Halloween. Now Christmas, that’s an entirely different story. Just this morning I bought six 300-foot spools of red rope light off eBay at $140 a spool, along with 50 sets of red string lights. Red lights are hard to come by on the street, so you have to special order them to make sure you have enough. And I need a lot. This year I’m finally adopting a theme. It’s been sorely missing. For the past five years I’ve just been throwing shit-tons of lights all willy-nilly around my yard and home. Not this year. This year I’m going to be the candy-cane house. Or Polish house, depending on your heritage. Strictly red and white lights only. I bought a number of sheets of weather-treated half-inch plywood and jigsawed out two-foot-wide-by-four-foot-tall letters that spell MERRY CHRISTMAS and painted them alternating colors of red, white, red, white… with white lights stapled to them. I already have a perimeter of lighted candy canes around my front yard—I just need to get some ten-foot PVC plumbing pipe and elbows to make some monster candy canes for the end of the driveway. I’m bogging you down with unnecessary details. The point of the review was to say that I still haven’t decided what the family should be for the Halloween/Christmas card. It’s somewhat difficult to organize since this year we have a newborn and the costumes they make for newborns are limited, and my wife’s retarded Uncle Lonnie always has to be slightly off from the group. Some ideas that would be fun but I’ve already vetoed are: us as the cast of Jersey Shore with Lonnie as Snoopy from Peanuts instead of Snooki. My wife as a man and the rest of us in dresses (that’s mainly because my wife in business-sexy is super hot). Us as the Beatles and Lonnie as Mick Jagger, but I don’t think he’d sit still for the collagen implants or Botox shots. Us as KISS and Lonnie as King Diamond. Us as clowns and Lonnie as King Diamond. Us as cowboys and Indians with Lonnie as the other kind of Indian with a turban on his head. Us as Hasidic Jews and Lonnie as Hitler. And lastly, us as ninjas and Lonnie as Godzilla. I’m sure by the time you read this I’ll have it figured out. Maybe something Bible themed with Lonnie as Buddha. Naked Lonnie is always a hit. More stupid can be found at Chrisnieratko.com.