Dir: Joanna Angel
I think I wanted to fuck my fourth-grade teacher. I didn’t know what it meant “to fuck” anything back then, but I knew I wanted to do it. Or at least I knew I was madly in love and wanted to marry her. Thinking back on her, I want to vomit. It was 1984 and she was a mid-30s total Jersey girl: high hair, low expectations, and poured into acid-washed jeans (unlike modern “Jersey girls” who are human waste/meatballs with rub-in orange skin who wish they were from the cesspool that is Staten Island). I didn’t know any better. I thought the higher the hair, the hotter the woman. It didn’t hurt that she lived in my neighborhood and I saw her sunbathe topless before she walked through our classroom door for the first time. (I only saw her bare back, not front. But at that age that was like seeing her butt-naked.) Me and my buddy Dave were both vying for her love. One of the first assignments of the school year was to write a paper on Christopher Columbus for Columbus Day. Dave wrote two paragraphs and stapled it to a picture of stick-figure Indians and Spaniards crudely drawn on a piece of construction paper. I, on the other hand, spent an entire weekend glued to a typewriter, copying word for word from an encyclopedia, 21 pages of insight into who Columbus really was while debunking many of his achievements. It was glorious.
She accused me of plagiarizing and asked why I couldn’t be more like Dave. I hated her guts after that.
I remember being so emotionally crushed by her choosing my friend over me that one day during rehearsal for the Christmas pageant I pulled her chair out from under her just as she was sitting down. She chipped her ass bone and started to cry. I felt vindicated.
Until I got suspended from school and my mom beat the piss out of me. Each smack of my mother’s hand only fueled my hatred for my former love.
At the Christmas pageant her husband confronted me in front of my mother, seeking an apology. I told him I wanted her dead. My mother backhanded me and I feigned contrition.
I’m still not sorry.
Joanna Angel plays a hot teacher who takes it in the ass in this DVD. I’d never pull the chair out from underneath her because I feel bad for her ass and would hate for it to explode or rupture. Joanna is the subject of the second round of episodes for my Skinema show (which is nine years in the making). In one episode, as she bakes cookies in the nude in my kitchen, she tells me how one of porn’s largest stunt cocks paid her a backhanded compliment by saying, “Your ass is amazing. My penis fits so easy, unlike the other girls.” To his credit, I believe he’s from Brazil and English is his second language. I’m sure he meant it in the nicest possible way.
I meant exactly what I said when I told that man I wanted his wife dead. And my opinion really hasn’t changed.
More stupid can be found at Chrisnieratko.com.