Hello, my name is Chris Nieratko. You might know me from such films as Skinema: Love on the Rocks or My Wife’s Mouth Will Not Get Pregnant. Or you may not. Either way, Vice has found me, my wife Cris, our dog Benny and my wife’s retarded (literally) Uncle Lonnie interesting enough (maybe stupid is a better word) to share our life with you on a weekly basis. I hope you enjoy us. (But maybe you won’t if you’re so tragically hip that you can’t enjoy the comedy of domesticity. Oh well. Tough titty.)
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Guess who's on drugs.This week The Nieratkos went to LA. with our service dog, Benny. I use him so I won’t go blinder. Actually it’s because I’m a crying, terrified baby when I fly and I assume I will die on each and every flight despite the fact that I have been flying nearly once a month for the past ten years. I nearly died once over the Atlantic on a flight to Portugal. I haven’t been the same since. So now I bring Benny. And he tells me everything is cool while we drink beers and do crossword puzzles. He knows big words.We went out West for a few different reasons: my friend Ron Deily was filming some skateboarding at the world famous Berrics skatepark, I had some Vans meetings, and because I had to film some clips for a porn star documentary-type show I want to do. I met up with actress/director/producer Kimberly Kane for lunch and we zipped through some questions. The bigwig didn’t like what he saw but I loved it. I think he thought I was trying to do Lunch With Porn Stars, which I’m not. I want to do Sexy Slumber Party with porn stars and wear funny costumes and jump on beds and have naked girls tell me the sordid details of their childhood and how they came to be ploughed on camera. Kimberly had a gnar first experience where she almost died. I won’t ruin it. I’ll save it for the show, which will be green-lighted now that my vision has been understood. So at some point the Nieratkos are going back to LA for Sexy Slumber Party. Not sure when.
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