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      The Nieratkos Go To LA

      February 3, 2009
      From the column 'Skinema'

      Hello, my name is Chris Nieratko. You might know me from such films as Skinema: Love on the Rocks or My Wife’s Mouth Will Not Get Pregnant. Or you may not. Either way, Vice has found me, my wife Cris, our dog Benny and my wife’s retarded (literally) Uncle Lonnie interesting enough (maybe stupid is a better word) to share our life with you on a weekly basis. I hope you enjoy us. (But maybe you won’t if you’re so tragically hip that you can’t enjoy the comedy of domesticity. Oh well. Tough titty.)

      Guess who's on drugs.


      This week The Nieratkos went to LA. with our service dog, Benny. I use him so I won’t go blinder. Actually it’s because I’m a crying, terrified baby when I fly and I assume I will die on each and every flight despite the fact that I have been flying nearly once a month for the past ten years. I nearly died once over the Atlantic on a flight to Portugal. I haven’t been the same since. So now I bring Benny. And he tells me everything is cool while we drink beers and do crossword puzzles. He knows big words.

      We went out West for a few different reasons: my friend Ron Deily was filming some skateboarding at the world famous Berrics skatepark, I had some Vans meetings, and because I had to film some clips for a porn star documentary-type show I want to do. I met up with actress/director/producer Kimberly Kane for lunch and we zipped through some questions. The bigwig didn’t like what he saw but I loved it. I think he thought I was trying to do Lunch With Porn Stars, which I’m not. I want to do Sexy Slumber Party with porn stars and wear funny costumes and jump on beds and have naked girls tell me the sordid details of their childhood and how they came to be ploughed on camera. Kimberly had a gnar first experience where she almost died. I won’t ruin it. I’ll save it for the show, which will be green-lighted now that my vision has been understood. So at some point the Nieratkos are going back to LA for Sexy Slumber Party. Not sure when.

      While I was out there I interviewed pro skater Gareth Stehr for The Skateboard Mag. He’s a pirate from New Zealand whose ancestors led the mutiny on the bounty. And he has the grossest, hairiest mole you’ve ever seen. It has a tuft of hair growing out of it two-inches long. It made me want to vomit.


      Grossest mole in the world.


      I also shot a bunch of photos of people wearing a fake ponytail, which you'll find at my web site.

      Tonight is Uncle Lonnie’s bi-weekly meeting with his other like-minded friends. I can’t go but I’m sending my wife to take photos and video for next week, when I’ll also post Lonnie’s Christmas party.

      Here are some pictures I took:


      What happened to Hitler's?



      The dog whisperer.


      We went to a basketball game in honor of MLK Day.


      Want your coffee black?



      Racial harmony.


      Benny likes zebra ass.


      Baby Brezinski.


      Cali has the sickest pools to skate.






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