Sometimes You Feel Like a Peen, Sometimes You Don't

I have, on more than one occasion, been called the worst lesbian in the world, because although I've never had P to V sex, and sort of don't ever want to, I will full on put dude tongues into my mouth, and think about playing with their privates.

Some lesbos don't like guys at all, some like them just for sex (which is a thing), and some, like me, think they're great, but just don't ever want to see weird veins, or have hot goo shoot out all over everything. I feel like that's okay. But even as a real life, vagina favoring lesbo, (which I very much am, because I was getting all dewy on the subway this morning thinking about naked lady butts bouncing on my lap) I can look at a guy and think "God damn, you're cute as shit and I bet your upper chest smells like wood chips, rub your body on me a little."

Because we have now officially entered fall, the season in which my slut clock points to high noon, here is a run-down of the top five peens I'd touch with my bare hands in a sensual way.

1) My friend Timur

Uh oh! You didn't think this was gonna get really real, did you? Well look out, because I have no concept of self-censoring, due to my menagerie of warm and fuzzy emotional problems.

Timur is a young man (he's like a million years younger than me, and I don't care) who I met at a friend's party a couple of years ago. I was at the party with my girlfriend at the time, so couldn't fully engage when I found myself enjoying the attention that Timur was giving me, but after the girl and I broke up, and I lived in a different city, Timur and I exchanged letters, and I decided that I'd for sure touch his peen. Eventually I moved back to New York, and Timur and I would hang out at various bars and apple orchards, and we'd always end up making out. One time I slammed him into a fence and rubbed my hand over the front of his pants for a bit, but then when he asked if he could come inside I got scared and made him go home. Poor Timur. I still think about his peen though, and have a pretty good feeling that his will be the first, and maybe only, to go inside my lady hole. You know, just for scientific purposes, and to get it over with before I get to old to be fooling around with people. I think I like him the most because he's Russian, he once beat up two guys at once and all that happened to him was that his watch got broken, and you can take him anywhere and it will be casual and fun. Oh, and he gave me this cool knife that I still carry around every day in my bag. EMOTIONS!

2) Sufjan Stevens

Hopefully it won't be weird for you all to know that I masturbate to Sufjan Stevens on a weekly basis. And when I say "masturbate to him," I mean that I look at pictures of him and then touch my crotch until I come. I think, more than any other male face in the world, his is the best. I saw him on the Q train a couple of months ago and my ovary fell out.

I have thought the filthiest things imaginable about what would seem to be the most innocent musician ever, and that probably has a lot to do with it. I would love to be in a room full of old books with him, while a fireplace crackles off in the corner and he's sitting on a beat up leather sofa, playing the banjo or whatever, while I comfortably kneel before him and just gently take his peen in my mouth and explore it with my tongue. Okay. I have to stop. My glasses just fogged up. No kidding when I say that I am confident that his breath smells like Christmas trees, and that I would be okay with him spitting into my vagina.

3) Ryan Gosling

The "about me" section of my OkCupid profile says "Pretty much just like Ryan Gosling." I can really get behind his whole earnestly cocky, casual asshole, who also saves lives, vibe, and see myself as being similar. I find people who are dicks and assholes to be VERY attractive and chances are, if you're cute and rude to me in a smirky way, I will fantasize about having slap sex with you. I hate that I'd touch baby goose's peen, because I feel like EVERYONE in the world would, and I like to think that my taste in sexual partners is a little more exotic. But at the end of the day, sure, I'd let him finger me in a canoe.

4) Cole Escola

Cole Escola is a very homosexual comedian who I have more or less actually TOLD that I would get nude with. I just absolutely love the way he looks, and fantasize about getting him alone, convincing him to let me take his clothes off, and then calming his nerves and saying something lewd like "it's okay, just fuck me like you would a guy." I'd take that ouch for him, I really would, and I don't even like being an AR (ANAL RECEIVER). I saw Cole perform once and he was wearing women's shoes. I like knowing that I could probably  beat him up and make him cry if I wanted to. I'm sorry. Like I said … emotional problems.

5) Random co-worker

Heyyyyyyy, remember that time when you told a co-worker about how you'd totally touch the peen of a new co-worker, and then they told you a story about how that co-worker peed in a bottle, and then on Monday morning told a bunch of other people what you said about the peen touching, and then was like "hey, Kelly, I want you to write about the top five peens you'd touch? REMEMBER WHEN THAT HAPPENED??? HILLLLARRRRRRRRIIIIOUS!!!!

Whatever, I have a thing for southerners, and if you look like you'd smell like a mix between a thrift store, and tractor grease, I will think about your pants bulge from time to time. I'm just a human. I'm just a human person.

@WolfieVibes