Stains!

It’s March, which can only mean one thing: People are wearing clothes on their bodies. No, wait, maybe that’s not March. Maybe I’m thinking of April? How does the rhyme about the months go? “Thirty days hath September, April, June, and the first 30 days of December/Also March is the month where people cover their skin with a double-skin that they call ‘clothes’ or ‘a prostitute’s skin’”? Hmm! Either way, fashion is a big part of this season. It’s always “Who are you wearing?” this and “Where did you get your two top hats that were made for worms?” that and “Ma’am, are you kissing a bee?” this and “Ma’am, are you open-mouth-kissing that bee?” that. But, IMHO opinion, experts are neglecting the most important part of fashion: the part where you DON’T HAVE STAINS ON ANYTHING. That’s not an acronym, I’M JUST MAD. I may not be a fashion expert, but I am an expert on getting stains out. I’m also an expert on the following: PT Cruisers, erotic scrimshaw, gems, retired jerseys, dads, retired dads, beached whales, beached dads, listing gems in lists, God, and gems. So c’mon—let’s KILL THOSE STAINZ!

RED WINE FROM A WHITE SHIRT To get that stain out, just drink the wine right out of the shirt, ass-jerk. Or are you afraid of a little buzz, you buzzkill?! Pun intended! That’s what we in the comedy business call a little “heckle,” a little “pie in the face.” Though I guess I’m not really in the comedy business. I’m more in the stain business, and also a little bit in the crystal methamphetamine business, and also a lot in the crystal methamphetamine business. My ex-boyfriend Kyle used to wear white shirts. I sometimes want to kill him.

INK FROM A WHITE SHIRT I almost wrote a white shit! I almost just had a typo-type error and didn’t write the r and almost didn’t write shirt and almost wrote shit! AH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH OMG! Spoiler alert: The G stands for Ganesh. I’m Hindu. Full-blown, incurable, Type II Hindu. That’s why they call me things like the “Ragin’ [Hindu]” and “Hey, You Homeless Woman, Get Out of That Dumpster, That’s a Municipal Dumpster.” STAINS!

CHOCOLATE FROM A WHITE POINTED HOOD Everyone knows that chocolate is notoriously hard to get out of white. It’s even harder when you have such an important white outfit! Like a wedding outfit, but much, much more full of love and importance. Though it’s so tacky to wear a full white robe and pointed hat after Labor Day. (Labor Day’s the one in June, right? “Thirty days hath September/Labor Day’s in June/Another month you might like is October/Who knows? You might love October!”) Trick: Alternate white vinegar and hate-criming an ethnic man. Alternate many different times. Sometimes only do the second part. Remember: He’s not an ethnic “man” unless he’s had his bar mitzvah!

BLOOD FROM A WEDDING DRESS THAT YOU WERE GOING TO USE ONE DAY TO MARRY KYLE BUT THEN HE DUMPED YOU KIND OF I LOVE YOU KYLE How much blood is in this dress? A personful? How big of a person? Mickey Rooney-size? Whiteface Breakfast at Tiffany’s Mickey Rooney-size? Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes-size? Lisa “The Bear Jew” Lopes-size? Lisa “Mickey Rooney” Lopes-size? Mickey “Mickey Rooney” Rooney-size? Doesn’t matter, spoiler alert, you can’t get blood out of a wedding dress. Like they say: You can lead a horse to water but you can’t get blood out of a wedding dress.

COFFEE FROM A PANTSUIT Whachu doing wearing a pantsuit in the first place? Who do you think you are, ALLY MCBEAL? Whoa whoa whoa wait, you are Ally McBeal? Wow! I really thought you did your best work on that one show, Ally McBeal! I’d like an autograph, please! Spoiler alert, you can’t get Ally McBeal to give you an autograph. Ally McBeals have a natural defense mechanism where they call the cops every time you try to ask them for an autograph or lick their eyelashes. They’re a gentle species, one with distinctive markings on their underthorax. Like they say: You can lead a horse to water but you can’t lick some McBeal eyelashes while high on crystal meth.

BLOOD FROM MY EX-BOYFRIEND KYLE’S CROCS, MY EX-BOYFRIEND IS NAMED KYLE Crocs are great because blood can easily be wiped away from their outer linings. Not that Kyle is even filled with blood! Probably more like he’s filled with Satan-juice, fiend-nectar, or blood! Crocs are also great because they come in all colors, including the following: gray, restraining order (light brown), light dark gray (gray), skin colored (Avatar-skin colored), Kyle (maybe-gonna-be-murdered colored), preemie (bluish-sad). The good news is, Crocs are easy to find in most malls and tween-sext romps. The bad news is, I have full-blown AIDS. STAINS FROM STAINS LOL, just a little STAIN HUMOR! INK FROM SOME LIPSTICK FROM A SWEATER Kyle I love you call me please Kyle I love you.  BAKED BEANS FROM YOUR SHROUD OF TURIN What’s a Shroud of Turin? Is that like the Sari of Andhra Pradesh? I’m pretty much super-Hindu these days. “Thirty days hath September/Hinduism is the coolest religion/Did you see that guy with the arms?/That guy is super-Hindu/I bet he had to spend so much more money than like say one of the guys from 98 Degrees on arm-polishing kits/I have like eight full-blown AIDS.” BLOOD FROM MY EX-BOYFRIEND KYLE’S BODY Sometimes it’s hard to know why your boyfriend left you. Why wouldn’t he want to be with you? You are a lovely young woman. You have between one and four normal-size breasts. Your dad was a baked-beans magnate. Your boobs have been described by previous boyfriends as “supple,” “not weird,” and “tits.” You’re like a B+ in terms of smells. You should kill him. Kill him with some murder. Kyle I love you I’m going to murder you.