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      Strike Gripes

      September 14, 2012
      From the column 'The Recent Unpleasantness'

      "Both sides in the Chicago teachers strike reported progress on Tuesday, but not enough to keep the strike from continuing into Wednesday."

      - Christian Science Monitor

      "The goals of the teachers union radicals.... are student indoctrination, social upheaval and perpetual grievance-mongering in pursuit of bigger government and spending without restraint."

      - Michelle Malkin

      Monday, 11:23 AM

      Teacher 1: Chanting slogans on a sidewalk for eight hours is a rush! I hope this strike never ends!

      Teacher 2: I do. Holding up a picket sign is hard, yo! I just want to kick back in my air conditioned classroom, esse.

      Teacher 1:  Why are you talking like that?

      Teacher 2:  Oh, it's gangsta slang. I talk like that in school to disorient my students.

      Teacher 1:  Nice.

      Teacher 3: Excuse me, but I couldn't help overhearing what you just said, about talking like a gangsta in the classroom. I think that's an excellent method for achieving student indoctrination.

      Teacher 2:  What!?! I do that to promote social upheaval! (hits teacher 3 with picket sign)

      Teacher 1: Guys! Stop fighting! This protest is supposed to be about getting a Starbucks in every teachers' lounge!

      Tuesday, 8:50 AM 

      Teacher 1: Americans just don't understand how awesome tenure is. They can't fire us for anything! The other day, I walked into a PTA meeting stark naked and punched a parent square in the jaw. 

      Teacher 2: Oh man, that sounds like fun.

      Teacher 1: You haven't been doing that? But you have to. It's in your secret union contract.

      Teacher 2: You mean that one we had to sign in blood? Shit, I was so high during that whole ceremony I don't know what I signed.

      Both: (laughter)

      Wednesday, 2:10 PM 

      Teacher 1: Can I tell you a secret?

      Teacher 2: Of course.

      Teacher 1: I only got into teaching for the money.

      Teacher 2: Me too!

      Teacher 1: But lately? It's like I can't spend it fast enough? Because we're so obscenely overpaid?

      Teacher 2: Tell me about it.

      Teacher 1: Sometimes I'll just leaf through a Brookstone catalogue and I'll be all like, 'got that, got that, got that....'

      Teacher 2: Lately, I've been bringing in piles of money and burning it in the classroom at the start of the day, just to let my kids know who is and always will be boss.

      Teacher 1: Ugh. Kids.

      Teacher 2: Hate 'em.

      Thursday, 9:35 AM 

      Teacher 1: I'm going to be pissed if the strike spills into next week. I had a mandatory tattoo day scheduled.

      Teacher 2: I wanted to do one of those, but I was never sure what images to use.

      Teacher 1: Just use the images the union provided. Didn't you get that packet? With all the little pictures of Che Guevara and Barack Hussein Obama?

      Teacher 2: Damn, I thought those were tabs of acid. I made all my smart students eat them at the start of the year.

      Both: (laughter)

      Teacher 3: God, picket lines make me so horny!

      Friday, 11:19 AM 

      Teacher 1: This strike is total bullshit. I'm missing my stories.   

      Teacher 2: Oh man, don't get me started. All my students know that when "The Young And The Restless" comes on at 11:30, everyone needs to zip it and let me watch TV.

      Teacher 1: And another thing - where's our chow?

      Teacher 2: I haven't had anything to eat since breakfast. It's a goddamn disgrace is what it is.

      Teacher 1: Fuck it, I'm changing my picket sign. How do you spell 'pizza'?

      Previously - iPhone 5 Drinking Games

      -

      Topics: The Recent Unpleasantness, Gripes, Chicago

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