Take a Stroll... with Rob Delaney - Dear Katy Perry

By Rob Delaney

delaney

Dear Katy Perry,

I heard your song “Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)” recently and I felt compelled to write you and share my analysis. Lyrically, it’s basically just an attempt to piece together a crazy night of drinking on the morning after. But let’s take a closer look!

“Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)”

There's a stranger in my bed

Uh oh! Already scary. You should know everyone in your bed with you. Rape is already a possibility, unprotected sex has almost definitely occurred.

There's a pounding in my head

You have overindulged in alcohol and maybe drugs. Drink a lot of water and take some Advil. Be prepared for your whole day to suck a lot.

Glitter all over the room

Pink flamingos in the pool

Have you been partying with John Waters? You may REALLY not like what you find out about last night. It may be best just to “let it go.”

I smell like a minibar

What do those smell like? I’ve never even opened one because I know the hotel will totally rip you off. I forgot; you’re a multi-millionaire, because of songs like these.

DJ's passed out in the yard

You should fire him. He mixed business with pleasure. Very unprofessional.

Barbie's on the barbeque

Lazy lyric, somewhat funny image. Did she melt? Do you have pictures? Oh wait, were there children present?

Is this a hicky or a bruise?

Hold up! There’s a huge difference. Also, in the video for this song, the hicky’s on your neck. Did the aforementioned “stranger” punch you in the neck while raping you?

Pictures of last night
Ended up online

As painful as it may be, have a trusted friend look through them and report back with what she sees. There may be clues as to whether or not you were raped, impregnated, or merely assaulted with a neck punch.

I'm screwed

OK, a lot of times that word implies it was consensual. So I guess I hope you were “screwed.”

Oh well

Oh well?! What do you mean “Oh well”? That’s actually the very last thing I would say in your situation.

It's a blacked out blur

This is serious. Blacking out can be a symptom of alcoholism. Most people don’t black out. Do you display other symptoms? Call me.

But I'm pretty sure it ruled

You are a terrible detective with limited to no self-respect.

Damn

Damn

Last Friday night

Yeah we danced on tabletops

And we took too many shots

Yes, the blackout suggests you did take too many. Agreed.

Think we kissed but I forgot

My money’s on yes, you did kiss. Since you woke up in the same bed and all. Have you examined your vagina yet?

Last Friday night

Yeah we maxed our credit cards

Suze Orman would be so angry if I told her this.

And got kicked out of the bar

So we hit the boulevard

Last Friday night

We went streaking in the park

A schizophrenic homeless man named Owen Stern saw you and jerked off into a Carl’s Jr. wrapper. Providing him with that happy moment may be the only good thing you did last night.

Skinny dipping in the dark

Was a lifeguard present?

Then had a ménage à trios

That’s French for “increased your odds of contracting an STD by 500%”

Last Friday night

Yeah I think we broke the law

Public intoxication and indecent exposure are indeed against the law. Is your potential neck-punching rapist included in this “we”? If we ever figure out that he did rape you, then yes, he broke the law too. In fact, it was only during our parents’ lifetime that they abolished the death penalty for rape in the United States. So it’s like, really illegal.

Always say we're gonna stop

The blackout and your blasé attitude toward it suggest alcoholism, which is also characterized by promises to “stop,” which are routinely broken.

Whoa-oh-oah

Whoah

This Friday night

Do it all again

No! Don’t do it again! FIND OUT IF YOU WERE RAPED! And if you weren’t, change your horrible habits or you soon will be! I may not like your music, but I don’t want you to be raped or punched in your lovely neck.

This Friday night

Do it all again

Trying to connect the dots

Don't know what to tell my boss

Why do you have to tell your boss anything? Were your exploits reported in the paper? Is your boss also your landlord? Wait—aren’t you international pop superstar, Katy Perry? I would have thought you were your own boss. Uh oh, I think we’re arriving at why this song is not just awful, but is in fact dangerous. You are playing a character in this song! A character based on the young female demographic you target your music at: young women who do have jobs and bosses and mothers and fathers and necks and vaginas which sure as hell will be damaged and violated if they subscribe to the ideas you foist on them with your songs and the confusing “goofy slut” persona you’ve created.

Think the city towed my car

Chandelier is on the floor

Katy! I know you’ve been very wealthy for a while, but come on! Most people don’t have chandeliers. Jeez!

Ripped my favorite party dress

Who did, you or Jesse? (I’ve decided to name your “suitor” Jesse, is that cool? I called him a “suitor” because we haven’t determined if he’s a rapist yet. Hell, maybe you raped him and he punched you in the neck in an attempt to defend himself.)

Warrant's out for my arrest

(RIP Janie Lane, lead singer of Warrant. I may listen to one of his songs after this to cleanse my palate.)

Think I need a ginger ale

That was such an epic fail

I’m not normally fond of the term “epic fail,” but in this case it’s appropriate. Failure to determine (failure to even care) if someone forcibly raped you and punched you in the neck is nothing other than epic.

This Friday night

Do it all again

Do it all again

This Friday night

T.G.I.F.

T.G.I.F.

T.G.I.F.

T.G.I.F.

T.G.I.F.

T.G.I.F.

OK, now it’s clear you’re just some sort of robot, yelling letters at me. Thank you for making that clear. I know you’re not a real person. I know you were hatched in a lab and fine-tuned by focus groups to prey on vulnerable adolescent girls, lowering their self-esteem and preparing them for a lifetime of subjugation and consumption.

Finally, I understand that my notes on your song give it a very different feel, and I know you can’t re-release the album with my contribution. But maybe you could include it on the extended club mix, in case you have any fans who think rape is bad?

Thanks Katy!

Rob Delaney

Previously - That's Some Killer Chicken

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