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      The Bible Is Nothing but Fan Fiction for Jesus

      April 1, 2013
      From the column 'Dogmageddon'


      The Last Supper by Carl Heinrich Bloch

      On this, the day after Jesus supposedly rose from the dead zombie-style, out of His grave and into the papyrus texts of the Bible, it's important to once again illustrate the randomness of which gospels are to be believed as canonical and which ones are considered heretical. Take, for example, this story from last week about a newly deciphered 1,200-year-old text from Egypt that adds all sorts of bonus material to Jesus's story, including a dinner with Pontius Pilate the night before the big crucifixion, a mention of the Last Supper taking place on a Tuesday instead of a Thursday, and the addition of this awesome superpower to Jesus's résumé:

      “In the canonical Bible, the apostle Judas betrays Jesus in exchange for money by using a kiss to identify him leading to Jesus' arrest. This apocryphal tale explains that the reason Judas used a kiss, specifically, is because Jesus had the ability to change shape.”

      What doesn't make sense is that some of these are considered truth while others are deemed apocryphal. The original gospels were written down centuries after the events described, so it's not as if one account has true boots-on-the-ground reporting and the rest have tabloid-style rumor mongering. They're all fan fiction. So if Christians were smart, they'd take advantage of this new report by adapting a little. It couldn't hurt, especially in this Twilight-friendly media climate, to give their main character some better superpowers than just being able to get his hands on more bread and fish.

      Onto the roundup!

      - For some fun up top, here's some blasphemous ads, courtesy of the great Copyranter.

      - In the New York Times homepage story about the gay marriage debates last week was a photo of a “traditional marriage” proponent. His sign read “Kids Do Best with a Mom & Dad.” Nothing too out of the ordinary when it comes to those types. But what the NYT failed to print was the back of his sign, which read “Good: 1 Woman 1 Man. Better: 1 Woman 6 Men. Best: 1 Man 6 Woman.” Which is to say, dude's a huge polygamist.

      - New York Cardinal Timothy Dolan inadvertently explained the contradictory pose that Catholics are being troubled with during this era of gay rights. On the one hand, they don't want their defense of marriage to be construed as an attack on gay people. But in the same interview he goes on to explain that gay people aren't entitled to acting on sexual urges they have. But, sure, they still deserve our friendship.

      - In Iraq, a roadside bomb went off, killing two government officials. Later in the week, a series of coordinated car bombings detonated outside of five different Shiite mosques, as worshippers were exiting from praying, and killed at least 23.

      - In Afghanistan, a pair of suicide attacks on a police station and patrol base killed five police officers and one British soldier, respectively.

      - In Pakistan, a suicide bomber detonated about 22 pounds of explosives, killing 10 people. The Taliban claimed responsibility. Later in the week, another suicide bomber killed a policeman before a bombing at a political rally killed two.

      - Yes, of course the Westboro Baptist Church will be picketing the Final Four

      - The NYPD does not like Muslims.

      - Last week during the Jewish holiday of Passover, the island of Madagascar was overrun with a literal plague of locusts that's probably going to end up costing the UN about $41 million for pest control. Seeing as the country's predominantly Christian, you think this is just a coincidence!?!?! (Spoiler: it is.)

      - Palestinians are getting one-year jail sentences for mocking their president on Facebook posts.

      - A 10th-grade science teacher in Idaho is being investigated after parents complained that he's using the word “vagina” in his reproduction-education class. To, you know, describe the goings-on of the female reproductive organ that has the scientific name of vagina.

      - “New evidence suggests that the Shroud of Turin may be real,” said every news site trying to get some extra Easter-adjacent clicks, seeing as the famed piece of clothing that may have touched Jesus's face was carbon-dated to when, possibly, the man Himself was walking barefoot around Jerusalem. But also, it could have also come up to 300 BC. And 400 AD. Which is to say, that's a pretty big 700-year window.

      - It didn't take long for the new pope to carve out a niche for himself, and that niche is washing the feet of female prisoners. The gesture as a symbol of humility has some of the Catholic traditionalists furious at the Pope.

      - Half of all Christians believe Jesus will come back in the next 40 years.

      - Sri Lanka continues to be the site of a furious Buddhist vs. Muslim war, with this week Buddhist monks leading hundreds in an attack on a Muslim-owned clothing-production warehouse.

      - Yes, Bikram Yoga bullshit has a religious component interwoven into it, seeing how the followers of the practice feel about their leader Bikram Choudhury. So it's certainly not surprising that someone put on that kind of pedestal by so many would feel it's his right to just kind of bang whomever he pleases.

      - Michele Bachmann (R-Crazy) believes that it's her “Christian duty” to repeal Obamacare before “it literally kills women, kills children, kills senior citizens.” Pay close attention to where those quotes are. Those are her exact words.

      - And Our Person of the Week: David Braun, owner/operator of a Chik-fil-A in Southern California who decided to try bury the hatchet between the company and supporters of gay marriage by giving away coupons for free meals at a local pro-gay-marriage rally. There has yet to be a response from the corporation as a whole, but if they're smart, they'll get on board.

      Previously - Young People Still Suck

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