Ex-cop and noted African American Christopher Dorner had the audacity to plan his revenge killing spree during the one month out of the year designed explicitly to honor the righteous acts of blacks in the United States. I’d say it was pretty much the buzzkill of the century for those of us of the African persuasion. It’s not possible for one person to typify the entire black culture, but it doesn’t help when a “brother” starts shooting people and writing insane manifestos. It’s pretty fucking counterproductive.
Sure, we’re embarrassed. White people aren’t specifically shamed when some hillbilly shoots up a school, but that’s because they run the world. Every 30 seconds, a white person gets honored for something, somewhere. Black folk, on the other hand, have to wait for their “special month.” Every February, Bill Cosby shows up on TV to teach people about Richard Spikes, the man who invented the automatic gearshift. We all try our best to pretend that black history is only about Martin Luther King Jr., Barack Obama, and the guy who played Isaac on The Love Boat. Christopher Dorner was not the guy we were hoping would be the biggest news story of the month.
Despite all that, I am here to tell you that I am not going to allow Dorner to ruin Black History Month for me, or any other African American. We need Black History Month to make sure that the next generation of young black kids is even more aware of the legacy they are inheriting than their elders were. I’m taking February back before it’s over. Instead of pretending that there are no antisocial black people, I think it’s high time the world learns that we can be insane too. True equality between black and white will come when we can all acknowledge that we’re all human, and humans are capable of being really shitty to each other.
Here are a few of the most notable lunatics in black history, ranked from least insane to most insane.
Ferguson shot and killed six people and injured another 19 on the Long Island Railroad in Garden City, New York in 1993. Naturally, people were stunned that such a horrible, random act of violence could occur in a public place, seemingly for no reason. Politicians came out in support of a uniform licensing system that would require tests, background checks, and other common-sense measures to prevent this from ever happening again. Wayne LaPierre of the NRA just kind of laughed and went back to shoving firecrackers up squirrels’ asses or whatever he does for fun. I’m sure this doesn’t sound familiar at all.
One of the first acknowledged black serial killers in the United States, Bird was arrested in 1947 after breaking into the home of Bertha and Beverly June Klundt and hacking them to death with an ax. While on death row, Bird confessed to being responsible for another 44 murders. Upon his conviction, he tried to put a hex on the judge and prosecutors who sentenced him to death. Specifically, he said “I’m putting the Jake Bird hex on all of you who had anything to do with my being punished. Mark my words you will die before I do.” Five people connected to the case are said to have died soon after the hex was put in place. If hexes really work, then look out ex-girlfriends, you’re all about to get mystery ink stains on your dry cleaning!
Gilyard strangled 13 prostitutes from 1977 to 1993 in Kansas City, Missouri without being caught. He had previously served time for child molestation and was a suspect in five rape cases from January 1969 to June 1974. He wasn’t charged with the murders until 2004, which just proves that the theories about the judicial system being racist are absurd. People of all races, creeds, colors, and genders get away with crimes every day. Justice is truly blind… and also functionally retarded.
In the wake of 9/11, with most of the country already shitting its pants in fear, crazy motherfucker John Allen Muhammad went around Washington DC with a sniper rifle, shooting people in their cars on the freeway. If that wasn’t horrible enough, he had a 17-year-old boy named Lee Boyd Malvo helping him. Much like the Dorner Manifesto, Malvo’s diary contained references to pop culture. Allusions to The Matrix just served to date his rantings, and the last thing any murderer wants is to be dated. Just ask Charles Manson. Talk about an irrelevant serial killer. Like, who’s even into the Beatles anymore?
I hope you all feel a bit more aware of the black experience. It’s not always pretty, but besides Halle Berry, what is?
Love Black history? Check these out: