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      The Science of the Creation Museum

      February 9, 2010
      Jamie Lee Curtis Taete

      By Jamie Lee Curtis Taete

      West Coast Editor

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      The Creation Museum is a huge, fancy structure in Kentucky dedicated to teaching the world about "creation science". Creation science, in a nutshell, is taking what is written in the book of Genesis literally. Even though what is written in the book of Genesis goes against anthropology, archeology, biology, zoology, geology, astronomy, cosmology, paleontology, and common sense-ology. Which, essentially, makes it a $27 million kid sticking its fingers in its ears and saying, "Nyah-nyah-nyah, I can't hear you!"

      People who believe in creationism seem like they're probably going to be weird idiots who hate monkeys, but I only realized that Dennis Quaid and Bill Paxton weren't the same person three days ago (seriously, it is BLOWING MY MIND; I feel like I've just taken the red pill), so who am I to judge?

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      On the drive there, you go past this sign. Imagine how many cars full of wholesome Christian families must drive past this thing every day and have to not make jokes about it.

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      Once you pay the entrance fee (an infuriating $22), you get to see this gem: a model of a little girl (who looks A LOT like a young Tracy Emin) just chillin' by a stream with her adorable animal friends.

      As well as DESTROYING the myth that humans and dinosaurs and squirrels never co-existed, it also does serious damage to two other left-wing lies: that velociraptors were carnivorous, and that polyester was invented in the 30s.

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      But then it all sort of went downhill. The museum was (and, I'd imagine, always is) packed, and it took about an hour to make it through each room. Once you'd gotten over the whole "Haha, this place is dumb!" thing, there really wasn't much to see. Just lots of crappy robotic animals and wordy plaques. I kind of zoned out for most of it.

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      GOOD!

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      This kinda looks like the walls in my room.

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      This is a good example of how vague the museum's facts were. Check out the part where it says "efforts to destroy God's word have met similar resistance throughout history". Er, what? I guess God wasn't paying attention in year 8 when someone gave all of the goth kids at my school a free Bible.

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      This was funny – it's explaining why incest was okay back in the old days.

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      This woman's elbows explain why it is no longer okay.

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      FUCKIN' FINALLY, something I can relate to!

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      This exhibit deals with how old, religious people are intimidated by youth culture.

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      Confusing metaphor alert! This is a wrecking ball that says "millions of years" on it. What you can't really tell from this photo is that it has just demolished a church. I've been thinking about this for, like, ten minutes now and I have no idea what it's trying to say. Ideas?

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      For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Bible: this guy was a TOTAL DICK.

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      MYSTERY SOLVED! Adam DID have a belly button. No penis though. Weird!

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      Raunchy!

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      I'm not too sure what's happening here. Pretty brutal though.

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      Looks like Patti Smith isn't too stoked about it either.

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      Creationist humor. Geddit?!!??!

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      And more! Zing!

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      In case you were wondering, the reason there are different races is because of birth defects which caused early black people's skin to discolor. See that picture of the brown couple with their white baby? That is proof of this.

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      OH HAI THERE, CUTEY! I was too engrossed in this little guy to read about how he proves evolution is fake; I would guess something to do with "If there's no God, then why does he have stripes?!" Whatever. Look at his little sad facey-wace!!!!

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      The final part was the bit that explained dinosaurs. I'd been looking forward to this A LOT. But the information was so vague and so overwhelming that I left just as unwise as I had entered. Something to do with God testing us and people slaying dragons and "when was the last time you buried a dead relative with a crocodile?". I have no idea.

      The whole thing was kind of nice. It was like being able to go into a really, really expensive and thorough model of what a museum would look like in a world where science hasn't been invented. Like that shitty Ricky Gervais movie where no one has invented lies yet. Kinda wish I didn't have to pay $22 though.

      JAMIE LEE CURTIS TAETE

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